Hair Cuttery

Oh my gosh!!! I never would have expected this realization to come just from getting a trim!

Ok, let me back up and give you some background...
Yesterday I went to get my hair done. This is always really hard- going to a hairstylist. I try so hard to hide the imperfections in my hair due to Trich, but they see it all. I don't have a regular stylist that I always go to, so each time it's a discovery process. If they ask, I tell them, but the woman yesterday did not ask. She commented and made a lot of faces (the faces really hurt me).

Once she knew what she was dealing with, we had a fun conversation. I began regaining my love for my hair... and then I remembered that every time I get my hair done I re-love my hair. Hmmmm, maybe I shouldn't avoid or put off getting my hair done when I feel like I need a trim. It HELPS with Trich. It hurts a little, but honestly it's a good thing. And I also LOVE my hair again!

Loving my hair is really important. I realized that the only things that I don't like about my hair are directly a result of, and in no way a result of anything but, Trichotillomania. The way God made my hair- I LOVE IT!!!!! While I was sitting in the chair watching this woman work through my thick head of hair (even after all the hairs I've pulled out!), I traveled back in time to my childhood days. EVERYONE hated their hair, EVERYONE was always complaining about their hair, and EVERYONE was jealous of EVERY other type of hair but their own. I never jumped on that bandwagon. I loved my hair and was proud of it. People were jealous of that confidence and satisfaction. I also remembered how hair stylists were always exclaiming about how incredibly thick my hair was!!!! I'm so thankful for that. I still hear about the thickness of my hair even now and I have some considerably bare spots. (No bald spots right now- thankfully. Praise the Lord!)

As much as I love my hair right now, it really hurts me to think of pulling it out or hurting it in anyway! This is so useful in my recovery process! This is not to say I have not pulled at all since my hair was done, but it has significantly decreased- even minimal!

I have resolved to get my hair done regularly. It does not need to be anything big; a trim is fine. I just need a hair stylist to work with my hair- for me to be vulnerable and then to regain my love and respect for this gift God gave me called "HAIR".

new tactic

Hey buddies!
I'm doing really well right now! (except for the fact that my parents got onto me for the little hole on the front of my hairline... which is actually going away- it's not new)

I am posting because something very exciting happened! ...and the way I responded was exciting as well! ...on top of all that, the result was outstanding and quite productive!!!
Now that I have properly piqued your interest and curiosity, here it is:

So… today I was fixing my hair up trying to make sure all hair was fastened securely to my head so nothing would dangle out and tempt me. Once I was all done, my roommate told me that the spot on the side of my head probably wouldn't pass as normal and without notice. Saddened by the fact that this was the first time she had noticed a spot, I fixed my hair covering the spot. Then I pulled out a pad of post-it notes and wrote messages from God about how He created my hair as it is and says it belongs on my head and that I shouldn't doubt Him or insult His "masterpiece". These post-it notes are all over the dorm and on various items that I use throughout the day. It's really helping! This is exactly what I need to be reminded of so that I don't resort to pulling.

I wrote this on March 15 to a recovery group that I am involved in. It is so great that everytime I see these I not only feel guilty for doubting God's decisions and insulting what he dubbed a "masterpiece" but I also feel empowered and emboldened. These post-its directly attack the thoughts that lead to or accompany Trich.

Now I'm on Spring Break and not in my dorm. Soon I will be posting them all over my home. Hopefully my family doesn't mind. :) I do have one on my computer and in my wallet. The one on the computer is the MOST helpful! I see it all the time and especially when the urge is greatest! Thanks for your prayers and support!

Trial vs Sin

So this has been weighing down on my mind... Is Trichotillomania a sin? Is it a trial, a thorn in the flesh...? Sometimes it is COMPLETELY unconscious! Can something that you are not choosing, that is happening unconsciously to the point that you would argue with people that you weren't doing it, be a sin???
I truly want to know your thoughts. I'm struggling with this. I feel very strongly that this is not a sin- the act itself is not a sin. I recognize that some of the underlying issues could be sin, it could be a result of a sinful mindset or belief, or it can even lead to wrong thinking and mistrust.

Please let me know your honest beliefs on this- no matter how long ago I posted or whatever. I want to know! Thanks ahead of time for sharing and thinking about this with me.

backbitten

Have you ever been afraid to tell someone something? ...Afraid of how they will respond? ...Afraid that there will be terrible consequences if anyone else knew? ...Afraid that you would greatly regret ever opening your mouth about it to anyone?

I sure have.
I feared that if I told people certain things about me, I would not be allowed to do certain things like leading in some sort of organization or whatever or I would be judged or they would be so shocked that they would want nothing to do with me or that people would no longer think of me as a good Christian girl, but just another person in this world doing terrible things...

I opened up anyway- besides my better judgment. I thought I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do, but it came back to bite me. It has reared its ugly head.
Not immediately. Oh, no, not for a while. But months later, when I thoroughly trusted the person and believed them that they did not judge or condemn, they turned around and made all my fears come true.

Do you think I can trust you? Do you think I can tell you anything again? Do you think I can open up about this with ANYONE else????? No. I can't. And it's your fault.
Now I want to clam up and never share anything. Nothing like this can happen- I can't feel this kind of pain- if I simply don't open up and become vulnerable in the first place.
So there you go. I became vulnerable. It seemed safe. I was encouraged to believe so. And then once this person had enough ammo to hurt me as deeply as they could, they attacked- left me brokenhearted, alone, and condemned.

Lord, I NEED Your compassion!!! I'm not seeing it! ANYWHERE! ...And now I can't even share with people on earth... I NEED to talk, but can't. I can't trust again.
Can't do it.
Just can't.


...can't.