(Excerpt from Nothing Left from September 2010)
sigh Bummer. I feel like I'm at square one again. GRRRR! I'm sick and tired of square one. I keep falling back down here. You know those addicting little games where you're moving along, possibly jumping up onto different steps and platforms and then suddenly your finger slips, you fall off the ledge and land exactly where you were when you started the level. moan That's what this is like, except it has real, lasting consequences in life and it's happening over and over and over and over and... (you guessed it) over again!
(Excerpt from Nothing Left from September 2010)
Right now, I'm in this odd mood that I wish never existed. It's a mood where I don't actually care. I pull my hair out consciously and don't even flinch at the thought. It's at these times when it seems the most hopeless- like this will never end, because at these times I have given up and simply accepted that I am stuck... I'm stuck. That's exactly how I feel. Like someone has backed me into a corner. Now I'm just sitting in the corner trying to make the best of it. If I have to be trapped, I should try to enjoy it and shouldn't stress about it. That's what they want me to do. I won't give them the satisfaction. I won't grow concerned and try to escape. That's what they want me to do... those people who trapped me in this corner.
But wait, you say. Who are these people? Who wants you to suffer? Who trapped you in this corner? Did you really have nothing to do with this? Did it just happen to you?
You are very perceptive. That's what the flaw is... but even though I know it intellectually- my gut, my inner being, where I am really me and feel all my deepest emotions and convictions... That part of me cannot understand that during these times. I feel trapped... and out of control. It only gets more depressing... When the fact that I am responsible for this- that I set this trap- that no one else had anything to do with this... When that sinks in, it only gets more depressing... Then I feel like I am not in a corner, but a hole- which I dug and left no way of escape.
(Excerpt from My Crack... from September 2010)
I have a real serious problem, guys. I mean, REAL SERIOUS. I've pulled out huge chunks of hair tonight. It's worse than ever before. I'm even to the point where I am literally fighting myself simply to keep my hands out of my hair. It's killing me! The pull is too great! My head is practically screaming to be rid of certain hairs and my hands are struggling to remain down. They are raising themselves... I have to consciously hold my hands down and keep track of where they are every moment. I am honestly addicted. I am addicted to destroying my head- my image- in the midst of this image-centered culture. Most parents are more concerned about their teens getting addicted to crack or nicotine or something. How many parents ever consider that teens could become addicted to ripping hair out of the their heads?! I doubt any- unless they've experienced it themselves.
I seriously have a huge pile of hair sitting next to me. I just want to cry and shove all my hair back in! :'(
POUT! ...MOAN! ...SIGH...
yet I continue to rip it out!!! I can't stop!
Why is this happening to me? Why can't it be over? Why can't I stop? Why is it so hard? Why can no one seem to be able to help me? Why does it seem like God isn't listening? Why must I feel so alone in this? Why am I the only one? No one understands! No one I know has experienced this before! I'm trapped, addicted, stuck, upset, balding, and worst of all (especially as such a social person) ALONE.
(Excerpt from 5 HOURS?!? from September 2010)
As the count gets really high, I feel a lot of pressure to continue and that I am a big failure if I can't continue. It's like: "I made it 36 hours. What's wrong with you? If you can make it 36, why can't you last 37 hours?!" The bigger the numbers get the more demanding I become on myself.
(Excerpt from whydoipull.com from November 2010)
Pulling hair is what my body thinks is the only way to get rid of the problem/ pain- literally pulling it out of the body through the head!
(Excerpt from comment on Wrong Thinking from January 2011)
[I need to be thinking THESE thoughts:]
"I belong."
"This hair BELONGS on my head."
"I do not HAVE to pull."
"I can get through this another way."
The thoughts that I tend to think when the urge is greatest are:
"This hair doesn't belong. It MUST go."
"I HAVE to pull!"
A friend of mine told me that a lot of times the thoughts that you think when you have an addiction are coming up somewhere else in your life too. So for me the thought of not belonging probably bothers me somewhere else in my life. It's a really interesting thought. It's actually really powerful for me when I tell myself that "God put that hair on my head. HE obviously wants it there. HE says that it belongs! HE says that *I* belong too! He has a purpose for me being here!"
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Now you know.
These are the true inner thoughts of a "Modern Day Tricha".
