even when it all seems right

I have been focused on fighting the thoughts about how pulling out hairs will "improve" and "fix" my hair... and now I'm realizing that it's not just every once in a while that I pull for other reasons. Now more and more I'm finding that even when I love how my hair looks, I'm willing to mess it up to be able to pull. How whacked!!!

It's literally just becoming something to keep my hands busy. I've tried toys and fiddle things, I knit sometimes, I even use a head scratcher that feels amazing and I can use with one hand. Right now I'm just a mess and I really don't like myself.

Please pray for me! My husband is doing everything he can to encourage and focus me. God really is the only One who can help me. I'll keep crying out to Him and would love it if you would lift me up to Him too... Thanks!

I'm So Blue

♪♫ "I'm so blue-ue-ue, blue-ue-ue, blue-ue-ue-ue! I'm so blue, I don't know what to do!"♫♪  - Madame Blueberry from Veggie Tales

 On October 9th, almost a month ago, I went to the salon. I was nervous because I was going to get "something different". I wasn't picky about the cut, but was set on getting colored tips- something brand new and quite daring for my hair! It turned out really well and I was excited about the new 'do. For a while, the hair dye got on my pillow at night and on hands if I messed with my hair. This was a great deterrent from pulling since my fingers would come away blue, so I left my hair alone and everything was great!

Now close to a month later, I'm in a very different place and I'm not proud of it.

Last night my husband kept begging me to fight again, to leave my hands down, to leave my hair alone... and I didn't want to.

A little context for you:

• I'm 6 months pregnant
• The baby is constantly moving, especially when I want to sleep
• I can no longer sit, stand, or lay comfortably
• I feel like I've been pregnant forever
• I feel like the baby is never going to come

These things definitely lead to frustration and almost despair. In other words, I was predisposed to want to quit, buckle, throw in the towel, give up, abandon my goals, and ignore the problem.

After many tears, frustrated words, and trying to push away my annoyingly consoling husband, I finally was able to get to sleep. With the morning, I gained a fresh perspective. ...Not that everything is fixed and perfect! ...but I'm ready to fight again...

Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. -Proverbs 30:5b