THINK = DO

In the previous post, I shared that I shaved my hair off. It was a drastic move, but I needed it! I was amazed how I didn't even try to pull the super short hairs; I didn't mess with them at all! It was like magic! As they grew long enough to be grabbed, I'd find my fingers in my hair more and would manage to pull a few. Each time this happened, I would shave it again at the next possible opportunity. Until it was shaved, I would try to keep my hands down and learn to fight it. This process was working really well! All those thin/bald spots are filled in beautifully; there is no sign of Trich at all!

About 15 months after shaving the first time, I realized my hair was definitely growing out more than any other time! I wasn't struggling with pulling! Now don't get me wrong; I still pulled now and then but it was pretty easy to stop and move on, so I let it keep growing out.

Let's back up again: I had been going to counseling for Trichotillomania. We worked on how I demand perfection from myself and beat myself up when I fall short. It was really helpful! On the other hand though, I got to the point where I felt that I needed to stop going. It's weird, but I believed I was focusing too much on Trich and thinking about it too much because of the counseling... so I stopped.

Fast forward back to now: I really think I was right! With my hair short, I don't think about Trich much at all and that is the reason I don't struggle with it, even more than the actual length of the hair.

What I think about is what I do!

 The days when I tell myself "No pulling today!" are also days I struggle. Let me clarify. Struggling right now is very different than it used to be. Yesterday was awful, but all in all I only pulled 32 hairs. Two years ago, that would have been a good day, but now it was an awful day. Yes, the number was higher than any other day this month (or year since it's January) but even more so, I was struggling to resist pulling. I couldn't notice it and then decide to put my hands down and move on. I got discouraged and upset, and focused on pulling.

This is a major shift in thinking for me: noticing how hard it is, more than the number pulled. They often correspond but not always. Instead of keeping the number small, I am trying to not dwell on pulling. I just put my hands down and do something else. I don't think about it, not even to give myself a pep talk.

Yesterday I tried to write this blog post, but I just got so frustrated with myself. I was reading it as I would have a couple years ago... and knew it was no help at all! If I had seen that back then, I would have closed this blog and been mad the rest of the day. Trying to write this post was a big reason I actually struggled yesterday and ended up pulling so much.

I wish I could say there is a magical thing you can do or think that would "fix" Trich, but there isn't! Not even shaving it! Shaving has helped me so much, but I don't think it would have helped in 2009 like it has in 2017 and 2018. I had to go through those struggles to come this far! It can be frustrating that this is how life works, but it is amazing when you are on the other side... or at least in a better place.