whydoipull.com

I was on facebook and had a message in my inbox with a link to a website. The site was full of testimonials of Christians who got over Trichotillomania! This was the best encouragement I have gotten yet. They REALLY understand my struggle, because doubting God is part of the cycle. One thing in particular I found interesting- the following list... It will give you a deep look into what happens in the mind of a Modern Day Tricha.

Do not give in to the temptation to “just touch,” or “pull just one.” One leads to two, two leads to five and then it becomes difficult to stop.
YOU CAN sit through the feelings that accompany not pulling. If we hold in tears, we will turn to our hair. You and I MUST cry when we need to.
Feelings lie- they will tell you that the only way to get rid of your feelings is to pull some hair. They scream, “these feelings are permanent! The only way out is to pull!”
The only way to quit feeling something is to feel it. “Don’t just do something-stand there!”
How does one feel their feelings? Sit down and be very still. Breathe. You will know when the feeling is done being felt. Welcome your feelings!
Feelings are always changing, they never stay the same. “This too shall pass.”
The relief that comes from pulling is fleeting. Feelings of shame, helplessness, and depression always follow a pulling episode.
And pulling never changes the situation that often brought us to pulling.
Do not give permission to your hands to rise above your shoulders.
It is a choice to pull. Nobody forces your hand.
The more you say no, the easier it gets.
“One hair is too much, a thousand is never enough.”~Taken from an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. The word drink is substituted for hair.

I'm realizing (again and more internally) that there is some underlying reason for the pulling. Something is obviously leading to the pulling. Pulling my hair out is a coping mechanism that I have learned- it's there to cope with something! I just don't know what. I need to find out what it is. I also want to know how I should deal with this. If anyone of you have ideas of how I can properly deal with issues, thoughts, emotions, please tell me!!!!! Thanks. Pulling hair is what my body thinks is the only way to get rid of the problem/ pain- literally pulling it out of the body through the head!

Roller Coaster

... It sounds just like the title implies ...

This week has been quite the roller coaster- up and down with lots of variety. Some big ups and some big downs and then smaller ones in between. I'm just getting exhausted... run down- always keeping my guard up- constantly being aware of what my hands are doing- trying to keep them active positively.

The times when it's easiest are when I'm playing music (not on the radio, but on an instrument) and when I'm with my close friends. When I'm playing my hands are active and my brain is fully engaged. In the breaks- like marking my music and switching songs and stuff- I have problems, but when I am in the act of playing, it's not an issue. Around my friends, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to pull. It helps that he's a fidgety person. I feel more at ease to fidget with things, so I don't pull!

Anyway, I've been hanging out a lot with him (one particular friend) this week, which has been great for numerous reasons. But the rest of the time is not necessarily so good. That's really where the roller coasters happen. I don't even understand it... I wish I could tell you more about it, but I'm so confused by this whole thing. I'll post later this week with a Thanksgiving theme...

Hours? not so much

Well, as you may be able to tell from the title of this post, I'm not lasting a whole bunch of hours lately. It's actually pretty interesting how the pulling has been going. It's more like: I've been pulling less in general, but all the time. The pulling is very spread out and it's only one or two when it happens. So looking at a full day, I pull less than 10 hairs. That's really good! I just can't count hours like that.

It's not like I started thinking about Trich any differently... or am trying a new approach to conquering it. It just sorta happened. One thing nice about it is that I'm not going through bouts of really BAD pulling. It's all good- but happening throughout the day.

One more thing that I want to tell you guys about... I've been wearing my gloves a lot more recently. It's so helpful!!! especially with the state of pulling I've been in... It's not a sudden, huge urge to pull, so when the gloves are on, the struggle pretty much goes away and no tension is building up. When I remove the gloves to do something which requires said removal, I do not get a sudden urge to pull a bunch. I just continue how I was. By the way, if you see me wearing gloves, just realize that it is for prevention. It does not mean that I have been having trouble and bad hair days lately. Just means I'm taking it seriously and protecting my head and hair.

Reflection

This past week was really challenging. I talked to a good group of girls about my Trich. They suggested that I sit down and analyze when I pull and when I can go without, if there are any possible triggers, etc... So I did!
I realized that at the end of my day with the heaviest workload is when my "good hair days," especially when I lasted for 48 and 58 hours, started! So I looked into that: what can I do on that stressful day? What makes me end the good days?

This past week, when I got to the end of that stressful day, I couldn't stop pulling. The next day, which for the prior two weeks had been Trich-free, was a mess as well. I simply could not stop. This frustrated me SO much!!! 

Then I had an exciting weekend. Lots of fun times with friends! This helped me to relax and not to stress so much about my hair. So starting yesterday evening, I was FREE again! I last 30 hours!!!! What's really interesting about this was my initial response to the situation, when I pulled again.
Check out the text conversation I had immediately following:

"30 hours! I was Finally was able to keep from pulling my hair- for a prolonged period. All last week was really bad. I couldn't even last an hour."

"Good for you! It's so good to see how 30 hours isn't considered as big an accomplishment as it used to be. I think that means you're getting over it!"

":) That's a good point! Thanks for pointing that out. I needed that check in perspective!"

It is because of this conversation that I am actually excited about the 30 hours!! I had truly lost sight of the fact that 30 is a pretty big number! I was focusing again on records.

"I didn't beat my record. I didn't even make 48 again. Come on. What's up with me? Well, at least it's better than last week. Maybe there is some hope for me. But I'm still not back to where I was. And why did it take me so long to get back to a prolonged period again? Why couldn't I do that this week?"

This was a dangerous train of thought to be following. Thankfully, I have amazing friends who keep me in perspective. I went over a full day without Trich- especially after more than a week of BONDAGE! That's an accomplishment! I AM making progress! I must be thankful for the small achievements and the small steps to get to the bigger ones and to the record-breaking stretches of time!

By the way, the gloves REALLY helped in these 30 hours! It's getting cold and totally acceptable to wear gloves! :D

*Life is Trich-y*