Ok, so this post is going to be short. The reason is I have found a video which PERFECTLY articulates my feelings and struggles. If I keep talking, I will just continue in this quest to strive for the right words when you can just watch this video and really know what I'm thinking. It's kinda long (15 minutes) but SO important and SO worth it! REALLY. Watch it. The timing of everything is pretty essential in understanding the struggle as well. Honestly, this video is perfect in every particular of this disorder and the struggle for those with it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiBIXMBEqgE&feature=channel_video_title
Go now. Do not delay.
Do you want to understand?
Do you want to know what I'm dealing with?
WATCH IT!!!!!!
One last thing: I have been doing much better recently.
I have no idea why.
I just have.
Idk.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Hair Cuttery
Oh my gosh!!! I never would have expected this realization to come just from getting a trim!
Ok, let me back up and give you some background...
Yesterday I went to get my hair done. This is always really hard- going to a hairstylist. I try so hard to hide the imperfections in my hair due to Trich, but they see it all. I don't have a regular stylist that I always go to, so each time it's a discovery process. If they ask, I tell them, but the woman yesterday did not ask. She commented and made a lot of faces (the faces really hurt me).
Once she knew what she was dealing with, we had a fun conversation. I began regaining my love for my hair... and then I remembered that every time I get my hair done I re-love my hair. Hmmmm, maybe I shouldn't avoid or put off getting my hair done when I feel like I need a trim. It HELPS with Trich. It hurts a little, but honestly it's a good thing. And I also LOVE my hair again!
Loving my hair is really important. I realized that the only things that I don't like about my hair are directly a result of, and in no way a result of anything but, Trichotillomania. The way God made my hair- I LOVE IT!!!!! While I was sitting in the chair watching this woman work through my thick head of hair (even after all the hairs I've pulled out!), I traveled back in time to my childhood days. EVERYONE hated their hair, EVERYONE was always complaining about their hair, and EVERYONE was jealous of EVERY other type of hair but their own. I never jumped on that bandwagon. I loved my hair and was proud of it. People were jealous of that confidence and satisfaction. I also remembered how hair stylists were always exclaiming about how incredibly thick my hair was!!!! I'm so thankful for that. I still hear about the thickness of my hair even now and I have some considerably bare spots. (No bald spots right now- thankfully. Praise the Lord!)
As much as I love my hair right now, it really hurts me to think of pulling it out or hurting it in anyway! This is so useful in my recovery process! This is not to say I have not pulled at all since my hair was done, but it has significantly decreased- even minimal!
I have resolved to get my hair done regularly. It does not need to be anything big; a trim is fine. I just need a hair stylist to work with my hair- for me to be vulnerable and then to regain my love and respect for this gift God gave me called "HAIR".
Ok, let me back up and give you some background...
Yesterday I went to get my hair done. This is always really hard- going to a hairstylist. I try so hard to hide the imperfections in my hair due to Trich, but they see it all. I don't have a regular stylist that I always go to, so each time it's a discovery process. If they ask, I tell them, but the woman yesterday did not ask. She commented and made a lot of faces (the faces really hurt me).
Once she knew what she was dealing with, we had a fun conversation. I began regaining my love for my hair... and then I remembered that every time I get my hair done I re-love my hair. Hmmmm, maybe I shouldn't avoid or put off getting my hair done when I feel like I need a trim. It HELPS with Trich. It hurts a little, but honestly it's a good thing. And I also LOVE my hair again!
Loving my hair is really important. I realized that the only things that I don't like about my hair are directly a result of, and in no way a result of anything but, Trichotillomania. The way God made my hair- I LOVE IT!!!!! While I was sitting in the chair watching this woman work through my thick head of hair (even after all the hairs I've pulled out!), I traveled back in time to my childhood days. EVERYONE hated their hair, EVERYONE was always complaining about their hair, and EVERYONE was jealous of EVERY other type of hair but their own. I never jumped on that bandwagon. I loved my hair and was proud of it. People were jealous of that confidence and satisfaction. I also remembered how hair stylists were always exclaiming about how incredibly thick my hair was!!!! I'm so thankful for that. I still hear about the thickness of my hair even now and I have some considerably bare spots. (No bald spots right now- thankfully. Praise the Lord!)
As much as I love my hair right now, it really hurts me to think of pulling it out or hurting it in anyway! This is so useful in my recovery process! This is not to say I have not pulled at all since my hair was done, but it has significantly decreased- even minimal!
I have resolved to get my hair done regularly. It does not need to be anything big; a trim is fine. I just need a hair stylist to work with my hair- for me to be vulnerable and then to regain my love and respect for this gift God gave me called "HAIR".
Monday, March 21, 2011
new tactic
Hey buddies!
I'm doing really well right now! (except for the fact that my parents got onto me for the little hole on the front of my hairline... which is actually going away- it's not new)
I am posting because something very exciting happened! ...and the way I responded was exciting as well! ...on top of all that, the result was outstanding and quite productive!!!
Now that I have properly piqued your interest and curiosity, here it is:
Now I'm on Spring Break and not in my dorm. Soon I will be posting them all over my home. Hopefully my family doesn't mind. :) I do have one on my computer and in my wallet. The one on the computer is the MOST helpful! I see it all the time and especially when the urge is greatest! Thanks for your prayers and support!
I'm doing really well right now! (except for the fact that my parents got onto me for the little hole on the front of my hairline... which is actually going away- it's not new)
I am posting because something very exciting happened! ...and the way I responded was exciting as well! ...on top of all that, the result was outstanding and quite productive!!!
Now that I have properly piqued your interest and curiosity, here it is:
So… today I was fixing my hair up trying to make sure all hair was fastened securely to my head so nothing would dangle out and tempt me. Once I was all done, my roommate told me that the spot on the side of my head probably wouldn't pass as normal and without notice. Saddened by the fact that this was the first time she had noticed a spot, I fixed my hair covering the spot. Then I pulled out a pad of post-it notes and wrote messages from God about how He created my hair as it is and says it belongs on my head and that I shouldn't doubt Him or insult His "masterpiece". These post-it notes are all over the dorm and on various items that I use throughout the day. It's really helping! This is exactly what I need to be reminded of so that I don't resort to pulling.I wrote this on March 15 to a recovery group that I am involved in. It is so great that everytime I see these I not only feel guilty for doubting God's decisions and insulting what he dubbed a "masterpiece" but I also feel empowered and emboldened. These post-its directly attack the thoughts that lead to or accompany Trich.
Now I'm on Spring Break and not in my dorm. Soon I will be posting them all over my home. Hopefully my family doesn't mind. :) I do have one on my computer and in my wallet. The one on the computer is the MOST helpful! I see it all the time and especially when the urge is greatest! Thanks for your prayers and support!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Trial vs Sin
So this has been weighing down on my mind... Is Trichotillomania a sin? Is it a trial, a thorn in the flesh...? Sometimes it is COMPLETELY unconscious! Can something that you are not choosing, that is happening unconsciously to the point that you would argue with people that you weren't doing it, be a sin???
I truly want to know your thoughts. I'm struggling with this. I feel very strongly that this is not a sin- the act itself is not a sin. I recognize that some of the underlying issues could be sin, it could be a result of a sinful mindset or belief, or it can even lead to wrong thinking and mistrust.
Please let me know your honest beliefs on this- no matter how long ago I posted or whatever. I want to know! Thanks ahead of time for sharing and thinking about this with me.
I truly want to know your thoughts. I'm struggling with this. I feel very strongly that this is not a sin- the act itself is not a sin. I recognize that some of the underlying issues could be sin, it could be a result of a sinful mindset or belief, or it can even lead to wrong thinking and mistrust.
Please let me know your honest beliefs on this- no matter how long ago I posted or whatever. I want to know! Thanks ahead of time for sharing and thinking about this with me.
Friday, March 4, 2011
backbitten
Have you ever been afraid to tell someone something? ...Afraid of how they will respond? ...Afraid that there will be terrible consequences if anyone else knew? ...Afraid that you would greatly regret ever opening your mouth about it to anyone?
I sure have.
I feared that if I told people certain things about me, I would not be allowed to do certain things like leading in some sort of organization or whatever or I would be judged or they would be so shocked that they would want nothing to do with me or that people would no longer think of me as a good Christian girl, but just another person in this world doing terrible things...
I opened up anyway- besides my better judgment. I thought I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do, but it came back to bite me. It has reared its ugly head.
Not immediately. Oh, no, not for a while. But months later, when I thoroughly trusted the person and believed them that they did not judge or condemn, they turned around and made all my fears come true.
Do you think I can trust you? Do you think I can tell you anything again? Do you think I can open up about this with ANYONE else????? No. I can't. And it's your fault.
Now I want to clam up and never share anything. Nothing like this can happen- I can't feel this kind of pain- if I simply don't open up and become vulnerable in the first place.
So there you go. I became vulnerable. It seemed safe. I was encouraged to believe so. And then once this person had enough ammo to hurt me as deeply as they could, they attacked- left me brokenhearted, alone, and condemned.
Lord, I NEED Your compassion!!! I'm not seeing it! ANYWHERE! ...And now I can't even share with people on earth... I NEED to talk, but can't. I can't trust again.
Can't do it.
Just can't.
...can't.
I sure have.
I feared that if I told people certain things about me, I would not be allowed to do certain things like leading in some sort of organization or whatever or I would be judged or they would be so shocked that they would want nothing to do with me or that people would no longer think of me as a good Christian girl, but just another person in this world doing terrible things...
I opened up anyway- besides my better judgment. I thought I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do, but it came back to bite me. It has reared its ugly head.
Not immediately. Oh, no, not for a while. But months later, when I thoroughly trusted the person and believed them that they did not judge or condemn, they turned around and made all my fears come true.
Do you think I can trust you? Do you think I can tell you anything again? Do you think I can open up about this with ANYONE else????? No. I can't. And it's your fault.
Now I want to clam up and never share anything. Nothing like this can happen- I can't feel this kind of pain- if I simply don't open up and become vulnerable in the first place.
So there you go. I became vulnerable. It seemed safe. I was encouraged to believe so. And then once this person had enough ammo to hurt me as deeply as they could, they attacked- left me brokenhearted, alone, and condemned.
Lord, I NEED Your compassion!!! I'm not seeing it! ANYWHERE! ...And now I can't even share with people on earth... I NEED to talk, but can't. I can't trust again.
Can't do it.
Just can't.
...can't.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Vision of Forgiveness
There I was. In a room full of people.
People who pretend to love me, but
they don't even know me. A few know
and those few love me, but even them
-they can't know everything or fully
understand.
All of a sudden, Someone entered the
room. I was overwhelmed. So uncertain
as to how I should react. I wanted
to show the greatest respect. In
military settings, I would stand at
attention or sometimes salute. That
didn't seem quite appropriate. I
considered running over to Him, screaming
His name, and embracing Him excitedly.
Again it didn't fit. It was too friendly
for Someone so holy, but the other was too
formal- too cold- for Someone so dear-
for the One who knows- the One who
not only loves but IS Love!
Without a further thought, tears flowed
from my eyes. Uncontrollable. Yet I did
not want to control them- despite all
these people surrounding me. I forgot
about all of them. Even those I
love mattered not at this moment.
I fell to the ground-suddenly unable to
use my legs. All muscles went limp.
But it didn't matter, I didn't mind.
I didn't even think of it.
As I was there on the floor bawling
my eyes out without a care in the
world except this Holy Visitor,
I felt gentle hands come over me. One lifted
my head til I looked into the most beautiful
eyes to ever exist. Those eyes were full of
true compassion, true love, true understanding,
true empathy! No condemnation! Though
He had every right to condemn. No one
else knew what He knew. No one else
is so holy. None so perfect. None like
Him in any way! Not even in the least!
Suddenly I heard something escape my lips.
"Oh, Jesus!"
It only barely slipped out through the tears and
sobs. Those two words were so full of brokenness,
so full of regret, full of guilt, and also recognition of
His holiness, His righteousness, His justice.
But it was also full of gratefulness, humility,
and love- not of my own ability... but
because His love was so great I could not help
but have it flow right back to Him.
This was such a great encounter. I never
want to forget. NEVER!
Lord, please keep this on my mind!
Thank You so much for this! Thank You so much!
Feb. 24th
2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
lost.
I'm really sorry that I have not posted in a while. You know how technology can be sometimes... this blogger site wasn't working so I couldn't even log in to my account. I was freaking out because I thought I had lost access to this blog forever! I was really disappointed by that... :(
Right now, in terms of Trich... I'm a little lost in the chaos. I'll think about Trich and try to stay away from it, but for the most part it is not on my mind. That is not to say that I don't pull, but rather I don't realize it or if I do, I seem to not care. After all the progress I have made, this is a sad state... but sadness is not the word that I feel best describes this time. I believe "lost." is the most accurate way to depict it. I need the Great Shepherd to guide me back to where I should be, lead me back to the fold, and remind me what my purpose is... because I am lost. ...and longing for a home.
Right now, in terms of Trich... I'm a little lost in the chaos. I'll think about Trich and try to stay away from it, but for the most part it is not on my mind. That is not to say that I don't pull, but rather I don't realize it or if I do, I seem to not care. After all the progress I have made, this is a sad state... but sadness is not the word that I feel best describes this time. I believe "lost." is the most accurate way to depict it. I need the Great Shepherd to guide me back to where I should be, lead me back to the fold, and remind me what my purpose is... because I am lost. ...and longing for a home.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Wrong Thinking
It's been quite a while since I've written. I'm sorry about that. I know that for some of you this is the only way you know how my Trich is going... and you've been SO out of the loop.
Recently, I have been hit over the head with the same concept over and over and over again! You know how that happens sometimes? Well, let me tell you about it. In every area that I've had some sort of issue or struggle, I have come to the realization that it all boils down to...
WRONG THINKING
Everything!!!
And after all these realizations...
One of my pastors told my Sunday school class that all sin is a result of wrong thinking. He was especially emphasizing that it is a result of wrong thinking about God!
This has been such a powerful idea in my life! It's SO true! ...but I never would have been able to recognize that before- even if someone had tried to tell me. I had to go on this journey to learn, to grow, to discover this powerful truth.
I'm definitely NOT saying that everything is back to normal- or everything's cleared up and taken care of. Definitely not! BUT I am saying that I am turned around and with much more secure footing. It is so much easier to tackle when I just deal with my thoughts that LEAD to the temptation, rather than the temptation itself. It's part of "taking every thought captive." It's definitely not easy, but it is so much better than dealing with and trying to cure the symptoms without curing the root and the cause. If I don't take care of the cause, it will either return or I will end up with a new problem with the same source.
Thank you so much for checking up on me and for all your support! Please pray for me as I try to stop tying my identity to being a "Tricha". It is not my identity, just something I do... and won't do forever!
Recently, I have been hit over the head with the same concept over and over and over again! You know how that happens sometimes? Well, let me tell you about it. In every area that I've had some sort of issue or struggle, I have come to the realization that it all boils down to...
WRONG THINKING
Everything!!!
And after all these realizations...
One of my pastors told my Sunday school class that all sin is a result of wrong thinking. He was especially emphasizing that it is a result of wrong thinking about God!
- His character
- His thoughts (toward us or otherwise)
- His abilites (over sin etc)
- His hearing
- His love
- His perseverance (in pursuing a relationship with us)
- His patience
- His forgiveness
- His strength
- even His existence
This has been such a powerful idea in my life! It's SO true! ...but I never would have been able to recognize that before- even if someone had tried to tell me. I had to go on this journey to learn, to grow, to discover this powerful truth.
I'm definitely NOT saying that everything is back to normal- or everything's cleared up and taken care of. Definitely not! BUT I am saying that I am turned around and with much more secure footing. It is so much easier to tackle when I just deal with my thoughts that LEAD to the temptation, rather than the temptation itself. It's part of "taking every thought captive." It's definitely not easy, but it is so much better than dealing with and trying to cure the symptoms without curing the root and the cause. If I don't take care of the cause, it will either return or I will end up with a new problem with the same source.
Thank you so much for checking up on me and for all your support! Please pray for me as I try to stop tying my identity to being a "Tricha". It is not my identity, just something I do... and won't do forever!
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