backbitten

Have you ever been afraid to tell someone something? ...Afraid of how they will respond? ...Afraid that there will be terrible consequences if anyone else knew? ...Afraid that you would greatly regret ever opening your mouth about it to anyone?

I sure have.
I feared that if I told people certain things about me, I would not be allowed to do certain things like leading in some sort of organization or whatever or I would be judged or they would be so shocked that they would want nothing to do with me or that people would no longer think of me as a good Christian girl, but just another person in this world doing terrible things...

I opened up anyway- besides my better judgment. I thought I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do, but it came back to bite me. It has reared its ugly head.
Not immediately. Oh, no, not for a while. But months later, when I thoroughly trusted the person and believed them that they did not judge or condemn, they turned around and made all my fears come true.

Do you think I can trust you? Do you think I can tell you anything again? Do you think I can open up about this with ANYONE else????? No. I can't. And it's your fault.
Now I want to clam up and never share anything. Nothing like this can happen- I can't feel this kind of pain- if I simply don't open up and become vulnerable in the first place.
So there you go. I became vulnerable. It seemed safe. I was encouraged to believe so. And then once this person had enough ammo to hurt me as deeply as they could, they attacked- left me brokenhearted, alone, and condemned.

Lord, I NEED Your compassion!!! I'm not seeing it! ANYWHERE! ...And now I can't even share with people on earth... I NEED to talk, but can't. I can't trust again.
Can't do it.
Just can't.


...can't.