Deep Connections

Tonight was miraculous!

I love the girls I am working with at camp this week. We have already had some great discussions and connected very quickly. For this I am thankful, but even more I am thankful for the individual, intimate relationships that I am able to develop with these wonderful young women!

This evening one of my girls looked really pensive and upset. I prodded, but did not want to force her to talk. On the other hand, I made it painfully clear that I am willing and available to talk or listen (whatever she needed). After some time passed, she opened up. I discovered that she is a fellow Tricha! This was not exactly something to be excited about, but it is encouraging to find community and someone who can relate... and NOT think you're crazy or simply tell you to "Stop if you don't want to do it!"

Earlier I had shared with my campers that I have this problem and that the Lord is helping me through, and since it's a current struggle, I commissioned them to help me to recognize when I'm doing it. This vulnerability with the campers provided a bridge for my camper to connect to me and feel comfortable to personally open up! The Lord is so amazing in convincing me to share something so personal and difficult with my campers to whom I am trying to be a godly example. Even though I know that demonstrating weakness (while trusting and depending on Him) and being vulnerable first can be the ultimate example, it's so hard to remember that and not think that being an example means convincing others that you are perfect! They know I'm not, so I should have some guts and just admit it.

I am very thankful right now for my own experiences with Trichotillamania, because I am able to pass that on to this Tricha... and help her! YAY!!! The exciting thing is that once she is home next week and pulls up my blog for the first time (yep, I'm giving her the url), she will read this!
((I love you, by the way! ...and am praying for you!))

:-/

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

Well, you may recognize that as a quote from Charles Dicken's Tale of Two Cities, but right now this is how I feel about my own life. When thinking about my social life, generally my walk with the Lord, the blessing of having a job offer, and even how organized I am right now, I am very pleased and excited! Then I ponder my journey with Trich, my thought life, and the unclarity of God's will at this time and I become saddened and realize that my life is far from perfect as I had imagined shortly before.

I want to shave my head clean. I feel like that would be easier to handle. Because of a lot of crazy things I do, I am used to people looking at me like I'm crazy. It's become normal and preferred! It would be easier to have people stare at me than to live in this constant embarrassment, self-conciousness, self-condemnation, imagined external condemnation, and fear of being found out in the act or due to a noticeable bald spot!

I HATE IT!!!!!! I'm done with this! Why can't it just *poof* be gone??? I KNOW He's powerful enough to do it. I do not doubt that AT ALL! Why doesn't He? I know that trials like this help us grow. I know all of those answers, but that is not encouraging when you've struggled for FOUR YEARS with something as STUPID as pulling out your hair which you treasure! How stupid can I be? Why is this so hard? Just STOP! It doesn't make sense to do, and yet I still do... even while writing this I do it! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???????? Lord, I know you don't make junk, but I think a wire got disconnected or a screw became loose in me somewhere! This is ridiculous!


(Long pause to let it all sink in and to dwell in this moment)

Now I'm taking some time to re-read a poem that one of my friends wrote, which I have titled "Mati tis Kyrie" meaning "The Eye of the Lord". Despite this friend's incredible desire to destroy this deep personal expression, I was able to read and appreciate it and even grow from it! At this moment, it is helping me keep the right perspective! I am so grateful to this friend for entrusting her poem to me to protect it from herself and her destructive desires.

I know that this post dramatically changed tone, but I believe it was good for me to show you the change that God caused through my friend's writing. Thank you for reading this today....

Camp Dilemmas

About two weeks ago, I arrived here as a camp counselor. During training, I discovered this bald spot above and behind my left ear. It is a really odd shape, so it actually is larger than this picture shows due to being partially covered by some other hair. Anyway, I was so upset and disappointed by this discovery. It is an awful spot. I have to be extremely careful when I wear my hair down that the front hairs are brushed back. If I put some hair up, I have to ensure that it is pinned back far enough that the part does not land on the bald spot.


Unfortunately, I'm starting to get a similar spot on the opposite side of my head... and camp isn't helping me "be good" this year like it did last summer. I felt so busy that I didn't have time to pull. My hands and mind were constantly occupied. For some reason, I feel a lot more pressure this year and have been pulling a LOT! I don't know what to do about it! I shared my struggle with my girls during devotions yesterday, but since I had the day off today, I have not experienced any accountability from that yet. It also means I had even more opportunity to pull, as I spent a lot of time alone. :( Also because I am an extreme extravert, it is not a good idea for me to spend time alone!

Please pray for me (to stop, to have peace, and to trust the Lord)... and for my campers (to have the courage to tell me to stop, as well as to grow in the Lord themselves)!