:-/

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

Well, you may recognize that as a quote from Charles Dicken's Tale of Two Cities, but right now this is how I feel about my own life. When thinking about my social life, generally my walk with the Lord, the blessing of having a job offer, and even how organized I am right now, I am very pleased and excited! Then I ponder my journey with Trich, my thought life, and the unclarity of God's will at this time and I become saddened and realize that my life is far from perfect as I had imagined shortly before.

I want to shave my head clean. I feel like that would be easier to handle. Because of a lot of crazy things I do, I am used to people looking at me like I'm crazy. It's become normal and preferred! It would be easier to have people stare at me than to live in this constant embarrassment, self-conciousness, self-condemnation, imagined external condemnation, and fear of being found out in the act or due to a noticeable bald spot!

I HATE IT!!!!!! I'm done with this! Why can't it just *poof* be gone??? I KNOW He's powerful enough to do it. I do not doubt that AT ALL! Why doesn't He? I know that trials like this help us grow. I know all of those answers, but that is not encouraging when you've struggled for FOUR YEARS with something as STUPID as pulling out your hair which you treasure! How stupid can I be? Why is this so hard? Just STOP! It doesn't make sense to do, and yet I still do... even while writing this I do it! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???????? Lord, I know you don't make junk, but I think a wire got disconnected or a screw became loose in me somewhere! This is ridiculous!


(Long pause to let it all sink in and to dwell in this moment)

Now I'm taking some time to re-read a poem that one of my friends wrote, which I have titled "Mati tis Kyrie" meaning "The Eye of the Lord". Despite this friend's incredible desire to destroy this deep personal expression, I was able to read and appreciate it and even grow from it! At this moment, it is helping me keep the right perspective! I am so grateful to this friend for entrusting her poem to me to protect it from herself and her destructive desires.

I know that this post dramatically changed tone, but I believe it was good for me to show you the change that God caused through my friend's writing. Thank you for reading this today....