The Wrong Kind of Busy

Sometimes being busy helps me to keep from pulling because I'm doing too many things to even have a chance for my hands to reach towards my head. Other times I'm super busy, but it is the wrong kind of busy. I am stressed and trying to get a lot done, but I have opportunities to pull and because there is so much on my mind, I'm not thinking about where my hands are. To make matters even worse, even if I do notice I ignore it because I can't slow down enough to split my thoughts between my to-do list/schedule and reminding myself not to pull.

As you've probably guessed, I pulled a lot today. It was the wrong kind of busy. I didn't cry out for help- didn't send up a prayer, send an email letting anyone else know, or just tell someone that I wasn't having a wonderful day. I conveniently forgot about my stress and Trich-frustrations when asked how I was doing. Possibly because that would allow me to get back to my crazy schedule. I don't know.

Anyway, I am hoping and praying that I can have a better kind of busy and a better attempt in the days to come.

Braids, Bald, Blah

Braids

I've been realizing that the way I mess with my hair and the way other people mess with their hair or even someone else's is entirely different. This is part of my problem. I grab a small section between my fingers and stroke it down to the end. When I feel a hair is longer than the others, I continue to drift down the hair so I only have it in my fingers and then adjust my hand so I can pull it out.

I didn't used to "play" with my hair like this. It used to be stroking it in huge chunks, with my fingers spread out not clasped around the hair... basically combing with my fingers. The other thing I would do is make hairdos or braid my hair. I would braid really tiny portions sometimes, but when I was in elementary school, I was always braiding - hair, bookmark tassels, tablecloth tassels, yarn, or anything that I could make move in that fashion (clothes, straws, whatever!)

Last night I decided to braid the small sections I found in my fingers. Sometimes they were really difficult to braid because of the various lengths (or the bald spots, that section is next), but I focused on braiding not pulling! It was nice getting back to an old habit.

Bald

Yes, I have a bald spot. Unfortunately, this morning I discovered I have TWO. One has been there for a while now but has grown and is quite difficult to cover. The other is new, because I was trying to pull in a different spot on my head... <sarcasm> that was effective! </sarcasm> This leads me to my next topic for today:

Blah...

I do not know why but I am not feeling very motivated. I'm not just back in the apathetic stage, but I've found myself sometimes pretending to care. Pretending is not helping. I thought it would force me to take care of myself, but instead it just hides the apathy from other people despite the fact that I'm just as bad as ever. ARG! I'm mad at myself. Why can't I just keep caring so I can keep fighting? Usually, bald spots drive me back to fighting, but right now I feel hopeless. Yes, I keep reading verses about God's strength and freedom. Yes, I keep hearing powerful songs about being set free and depending on the Lord. Yes, I recognize them and love them! No, they are not making a difference. There has to be a bigger change. Just reading or hearing is not enough. I must change my thinking! I know all of this and yet cannot seem to fight, cannot seem to change, therefore cannot overcome.

Maybe I've been given too much grace. I've always preferred justice and punishment to forgiveness and mercy. I think I respond better to punishment. God knows and is trying to teach me that He won't always give me what I want (harsh punishment to knock sense into me), that I need forgiveness! But right now, I need some tough love I think- telling me that I'm ruining myself and must stop.

OR maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. I just don't know.