This post seems odd on a blog called Modern Day Tricha, but this is an important shift in perspective.
I do not see myself as a Tricha anymore. A small reason is that I do not pull as much as I did before; it does not rule my life like it did previously, but this is not the main reason. Truly, it is because it used to be my focus. I was constantly thinking about it and constantly trying to fight. Trich was ever-present in my mind.
Now I don't think about it much. Trich does not rule my life. As I said, yes, I don't pull as much, but it isn't my focus. I try not to set goals of "I won't pull today" because it puts too much pressure on me and I get upset with myself when I can't do it. Instead I don't think about my hair! I do try to not mess with my hair, but it's not about "not pulling". Instead I just leave my hair alone in general and focus on other things!
UGH! This isn't making any sense and is totally not helpful! If I had read this a few years ago I would have been so frustrated with the author...
I know this is slightly repetitive from my most recent post last year around this time, but I still believe it and stand by it.
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
THINK = DO
In the previous post, I shared that I shaved my hair off. It was a drastic move, but I needed it! I was amazed how I didn't even try to pull the super short hairs; I didn't mess with them at all! It was like magic! As they grew long enough to be grabbed, I'd find my fingers in my hair more and would manage to pull a few. Each time this happened, I would shave it again at the next possible opportunity. Until it was shaved, I would try to keep my hands down and learn to fight it. This process was working really well! All those thin/bald spots are filled in beautifully; there is no sign of Trich at all!
About 15 months after shaving the first time, I realized my hair was definitely growing out more than any other time! I wasn't struggling with pulling! Now don't get me wrong; I still pulled now and then but it was pretty easy to stop and move on, so I let it keep growing out.
Let's back up again: I had been going to counseling for Trichotillomania. We worked on how I demand perfection from myself and beat myself up when I fall short. It was really helpful! On the other hand though, I got to the point where I felt that I needed to stop going. It's weird, but I believed I was focusing too much on Trich and thinking about it too much because of the counseling... so I stopped.
Fast forward back to now: I really think I was right! With my hair short, I don't think about Trich much at all and that is the reason I don't struggle with it, even more than the actual length of the hair.
This is a major shift in thinking for me: noticing how hard it is, more than the number pulled. They often correspond but not always. Instead of keeping the number small, I am trying to not dwell on pulling. I just put my hands down and do something else. I don't think about it, not even to give myself a pep talk.
Yesterday I tried to write this blog post, but I just got so frustrated with myself. I was reading it as I would have a couple years ago... and knew it was no help at all! If I had seen that back then, I would have closed this blog and been mad the rest of the day. Trying to write this post was a big reason I actually struggled yesterday and ended up pulling so much.
I wish I could say there is a magical thing you can do or think that would "fix" Trich, but there isn't! Not even shaving it! Shaving has helped me so much, but I don't think it would have helped in 2009 like it has in 2017 and 2018. I had to go through those struggles to come this far! It can be frustrating that this is how life works, but it is amazing when you are on the other side... or at least in a better place.
About 15 months after shaving the first time, I realized my hair was definitely growing out more than any other time! I wasn't struggling with pulling! Now don't get me wrong; I still pulled now and then but it was pretty easy to stop and move on, so I let it keep growing out.
Let's back up again: I had been going to counseling for Trichotillomania. We worked on how I demand perfection from myself and beat myself up when I fall short. It was really helpful! On the other hand though, I got to the point where I felt that I needed to stop going. It's weird, but I believed I was focusing too much on Trich and thinking about it too much because of the counseling... so I stopped.
Fast forward back to now: I really think I was right! With my hair short, I don't think about Trich much at all and that is the reason I don't struggle with it, even more than the actual length of the hair.
What I think about is what I do!The days when I tell myself "No pulling today!" are also days I struggle. Let me clarify. Struggling right now is very different than it used to be. Yesterday was awful, but all in all I only pulled 32 hairs. Two years ago, that would have been a good day, but now it was an awful day. Yes, the number was higher than any other day this month (or year since it's January) but even more so, I was struggling to resist pulling. I couldn't notice it and then decide to put my hands down and move on. I got discouraged and upset, and focused on pulling.
This is a major shift in thinking for me: noticing how hard it is, more than the number pulled. They often correspond but not always. Instead of keeping the number small, I am trying to not dwell on pulling. I just put my hands down and do something else. I don't think about it, not even to give myself a pep talk.
Yesterday I tried to write this blog post, but I just got so frustrated with myself. I was reading it as I would have a couple years ago... and knew it was no help at all! If I had seen that back then, I would have closed this blog and been mad the rest of the day. Trying to write this post was a big reason I actually struggled yesterday and ended up pulling so much.
I wish I could say there is a magical thing you can do or think that would "fix" Trich, but there isn't! Not even shaving it! Shaving has helped me so much, but I don't think it would have helped in 2009 like it has in 2017 and 2018. I had to go through those struggles to come this far! It can be frustrating that this is how life works, but it is amazing when you are on the other side... or at least in a better place.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Drastic Measures
Pulling has gotten so bad that now I cannot cover my thin/bald spots, so I had a decision to make. I told my husband:
It came to the point that I thought I really should shave it but I couldn't accept it, I couldn't commit to that. It just was too much.
After a few days of thinking about it and looking up women with shaved heads and watching videos with their thoughts and experiences, I knew not only was this what I needed to do but that I am going to do it. I do not need my hair and I was so obsessed with it that instead I actually need to get rid of it to get over this obsession! My husband agreed to shave his hair off to help me handle this adjustment. He is so supportive and encouraging in all of this! And, as I have been constantly telling him, he is the best and I am so thankful for him!
The next step was to talk to my mom about it, since she doesn't have any hair naturally and I already know it's upsetting to her that I pull my hair out. I didn't want it to be even more upsetting for her to see me with a bald head like hers. She feared that I would not have any hair either when I was born, so I could not do that to her.
Our talk went well! She was shocked of course, but really does understand and support me! It was a bonding moment where she was able to share with me some things I will face with this change- things she has experienced her whole life and that she knows well. I have the best mom in the world! I know she's not perfect; she has her own problems and hangups, but she is wonderful and the perfect mom for me!
I have three options and I don't really like any of them.
1) Keep trying to cover my hair and fight without letting anyone see what's going on. Keep trying to hide my struggle and keep fighting the same way.
2) Don't cover up my spots, just let them be seen. Fight pulling while realizing that people will be able to see the damage.
3) Shave my hair off so that I do not have the option to pull.I had pros and cons to all of them, but the biggest thing was that I refuse to continue choosing number 1. As I said in a recent post, "If nothing changes, nothing changes" and things have to change. With number 2 I realize that even if it does help, it will get much worse before it gets better. The reason is twofold: the hair will be available and a mess for me to pull as well as the stress of knowing that people see the damage even if they don't say anything. Finally, number 3 just seems so extreme! If I do that, EVERYONE will ask why I did it, whether they know me well or not at all! Also I love my hair; I don't want to part with it!!!
It came to the point that I thought I really should shave it but I couldn't accept it, I couldn't commit to that. It just was too much.
After a few days of thinking about it and looking up women with shaved heads and watching videos with their thoughts and experiences, I knew not only was this what I needed to do but that I am going to do it. I do not need my hair and I was so obsessed with it that instead I actually need to get rid of it to get over this obsession! My husband agreed to shave his hair off to help me handle this adjustment. He is so supportive and encouraging in all of this! And, as I have been constantly telling him, he is the best and I am so thankful for him!
The next step was to talk to my mom about it, since she doesn't have any hair naturally and I already know it's upsetting to her that I pull my hair out. I didn't want it to be even more upsetting for her to see me with a bald head like hers. She feared that I would not have any hair either when I was born, so I could not do that to her.
Our talk went well! She was shocked of course, but really does understand and support me! It was a bonding moment where she was able to share with me some things I will face with this change- things she has experienced her whole life and that she knows well. I have the best mom in the world! I know she's not perfect; she has her own problems and hangups, but she is wonderful and the perfect mom for me!
Thank You, God, for giving me my mom and my husband! I know You perfectly planned them to be in these roles in my life. I could not do any of this without them. Most of all, thank You for Your guidance and strength in everything! I desire so much to show the world that You are greater than anything in this world, anything that we might care about/ obsess over/ devote our lives to/ idolize. Amen.
Good news is that this wasn't as terrifying as I expected. I started to obsess over my hair a bit in between the time when we cut it short and my husband tidied it up, but I reminded myself that I am not obsessing about this any more- that is why I shaved it off! As you can see, I definitely have some thin areas due to my pulling but it'll grow back in and next time we shave it, it will be more even!
Monday, September 5, 2016
So??? How's it going?
Last November I wrote about how I was six months pregnant and that was causing me to be really down for various reasons. If you are at all decent with the idea of time and math and realize that pregnancies last around nine months, then you know that my baby must have come by now... and you'd be right! hahahaha She did come earlier this year and is such a blessing and a lot of work. I stay at home with her so I guess my job now is being a mom (in addition to supposedly taking care of the house- not that you can tell if you look around :P ).
We are to the point now that she can play by herself but generally prefers Mommy to be nearby or even actively playing with her, nurses regularly (which requires Mommy of course), eats solid foods three times a day (which requires Mommy- or Daddy in the evening), and naps a few times each day. The last part is my chance to either take care of things or relax; more specifically: clean, do laundry, practice, cook, make phone calls, shower, go to the bathroom, sleep, or browse facebook and youtube. As much as I love this life, it can be stressful to be on call all the time for a mostly helpless little one who is just mobile enough to be dangerous and "loves me enough" to not want me out of her sight even to get her food out of the fridge or relieve myself. Please do not read this wrong: I really love my little one and do not wish to send her to daycare. I am just laying out the challenges of this life. As you might expect, this can lead me to pull- just to have something that I can control... but then there's hair everywhere that I'm cleaning up off the baby, her toys, and the floor around her, which frustrates me and.... you guessed it, I pull some more (not that that makes any sense).
Shortly after my baby was born, I tried to stop pulling by thinking about how I didn't want her to learn my behavior, so I couldn't do it any time she could see me. Obviously, this was overwhelming and unrealistic, simply put too much pressure and I was forced to give up on that. I did not want to give up on fighting and hopefully not passing on Trich (I'm not implying that it's hereditary, just easily learned).
At the beginning of the summer, I found out about a device that helps people break habits and addictions by shocking them. The wearer presses the button on the app or device to shock themselves at the desired level anytime they do their undesired action. After reading up on it and hearing about some other Trichas who successfully stopped pulling, I was super excited to get one for myself! This was going to change everything! This was my chance; that miracle device that could give me a chance to be free! God provided at just the right time when I need to stop for my child!
I ordered the device and wasn't expecting it for about a month due to demand but started taking measures to fight it more aggressively immediately. To my surprise, it arrived in about a week! Right away I put it on and started using it. Within the first few hours, it stopped working. Assuming it needed charged (since I skipped that step), I plugged it in and came back later to wear it more but it still wasn't working. At this point, I was so upset that I had "broken" the miracle device, "my one chance" that all of the hard work I did leading up to receiving the device was undone. I pulled a good bit. Once the replacement came, I had lost some of my wonder and enthusiasm, but did diligently use the device. After that I had some issues off and on with the device not working and the expected time to break my addiction came and went with only some improvement....
Long story short: it didn't work for me. Why exactly I'm not sure, but I can name various things that may have been the culprit: my initial loss of hope when the first device was "broken", the week or so with a working device after my initial enthusiasm, the issues caused me to not be able to use the device constantly, with the device not working all the time I didn't try as hard when I wasn't wearing it, with not using the device so much I didn't always remember to use it when I was wearing it, as the longest advertised success time frame passed I quickly lost all hope...
Since that experience, I've been fighting off and on. Most recently I've developed a large thing spot on the left side just above and behind the ear as well as at the crown of my head. Now I have to get back to fighting or I may have to take drastic measures to not let others see these holes in my hair.
So... you wanted to know how it's been going since I posted in December? There it is.
We are to the point now that she can play by herself but generally prefers Mommy to be nearby or even actively playing with her, nurses regularly (which requires Mommy of course), eats solid foods three times a day (which requires Mommy- or Daddy in the evening), and naps a few times each day. The last part is my chance to either take care of things or relax; more specifically: clean, do laundry, practice, cook, make phone calls, shower, go to the bathroom, sleep, or browse facebook and youtube. As much as I love this life, it can be stressful to be on call all the time for a mostly helpless little one who is just mobile enough to be dangerous and "loves me enough" to not want me out of her sight even to get her food out of the fridge or relieve myself. Please do not read this wrong: I really love my little one and do not wish to send her to daycare. I am just laying out the challenges of this life. As you might expect, this can lead me to pull- just to have something that I can control... but then there's hair everywhere that I'm cleaning up off the baby, her toys, and the floor around her, which frustrates me and.... you guessed it, I pull some more (not that that makes any sense).
Shortly after my baby was born, I tried to stop pulling by thinking about how I didn't want her to learn my behavior, so I couldn't do it any time she could see me. Obviously, this was overwhelming and unrealistic, simply put too much pressure and I was forced to give up on that. I did not want to give up on fighting and hopefully not passing on Trich (I'm not implying that it's hereditary, just easily learned).
At the beginning of the summer, I found out about a device that helps people break habits and addictions by shocking them. The wearer presses the button on the app or device to shock themselves at the desired level anytime they do their undesired action. After reading up on it and hearing about some other Trichas who successfully stopped pulling, I was super excited to get one for myself! This was going to change everything! This was my chance; that miracle device that could give me a chance to be free! God provided at just the right time when I need to stop for my child!
I ordered the device and wasn't expecting it for about a month due to demand but started taking measures to fight it more aggressively immediately. To my surprise, it arrived in about a week! Right away I put it on and started using it. Within the first few hours, it stopped working. Assuming it needed charged (since I skipped that step), I plugged it in and came back later to wear it more but it still wasn't working. At this point, I was so upset that I had "broken" the miracle device, "my one chance" that all of the hard work I did leading up to receiving the device was undone. I pulled a good bit. Once the replacement came, I had lost some of my wonder and enthusiasm, but did diligently use the device. After that I had some issues off and on with the device not working and the expected time to break my addiction came and went with only some improvement....
Long story short: it didn't work for me. Why exactly I'm not sure, but I can name various things that may have been the culprit: my initial loss of hope when the first device was "broken", the week or so with a working device after my initial enthusiasm, the issues caused me to not be able to use the device constantly, with the device not working all the time I didn't try as hard when I wasn't wearing it, with not using the device so much I didn't always remember to use it when I was wearing it, as the longest advertised success time frame passed I quickly lost all hope...
Since that experience, I've been fighting off and on. Most recently I've developed a large thing spot on the left side just above and behind the ear as well as at the crown of my head. Now I have to get back to fighting or I may have to take drastic measures to not let others see these holes in my hair.
So... you wanted to know how it's been going since I posted in December? There it is.
Blame
Why do I act like I can hide my pulling from my husband and make it better? The hair is still gone and the results are still there... besides I know that he knows I'm pulling and he's just being gracious by not pestering me to stop. Sometimes I blame my mother because she pulled out her hair periodically. Both of these are unhealthy!
*sigh* I wish I could really take responsibility for my actions (namely pulling as well as wasting time which leads to pulling) instead of blaming others even if it's only subconsciously! :-/
Of course blame shifting has been an issue ever since sin came into existence... Adam blamed Eve for giving him the fruit and even blamed God for giving him Eve. Eve blamed the serpent for tricking her. When misleading Eve, the serpent had blamed God for keeping something good from Adam and Eve. It is the same with us. We don't want to take the fall so we find a way that these things could have possibly been caused by something or someone else! BUT this is ridiculous! We make these decisions; we can be influenced by our circumstances or others but it's still our decision what we do at that moment. WE must learn to live with the consequences for whatever we chose.
Sometimes though I think the consequences of admitting our own part can be too much for us to handle. For example, with my Trich, if I truly come to grips with the fact that I choose to pull (yes, sometimes it is unconscious, but it started because I taught myself this behavior) and it's not someone else's fault for not stopping me or someone else's fault for introducing the behavior to me or the culture's fault for putting such pressure to look perfect all the time..... then I must recognize that the only way to reverse this situation is to CHOOSE NOT TO PULL!
No, it's not that easy. I should know. If you've read much of this blog at all or spoken to me on this topic, you know. But, as I tell students all the time, "anything worth having takes hard work." I've also heard that "nothing changes if nothing changes." We must make this choice over and over and over and over again and again and again and again more and more and more and more ...... until it finally sticks!
>Do I know what this looks like or specifically how it's done? Nope. >Have I stopped pulling and mastered Trich even in the slightest? No way. >Have I found a renewed drive to fight this monster I've created and to choose to change? Yes indeed! ...and I hope you'll join me with whatever it is that you face.
Of course blame shifting has been an issue ever since sin came into existence... Adam blamed Eve for giving him the fruit and even blamed God for giving him Eve. Eve blamed the serpent for tricking her. When misleading Eve, the serpent had blamed God for keeping something good from Adam and Eve. It is the same with us. We don't want to take the fall so we find a way that these things could have possibly been caused by something or someone else! BUT this is ridiculous! We make these decisions; we can be influenced by our circumstances or others but it's still our decision what we do at that moment. WE must learn to live with the consequences for whatever we chose.
Sometimes though I think the consequences of admitting our own part can be too much for us to handle. For example, with my Trich, if I truly come to grips with the fact that I choose to pull (yes, sometimes it is unconscious, but it started because I taught myself this behavior) and it's not someone else's fault for not stopping me or someone else's fault for introducing the behavior to me or the culture's fault for putting such pressure to look perfect all the time..... then I must recognize that the only way to reverse this situation is to CHOOSE NOT TO PULL!
No, it's not that easy. I should know. If you've read much of this blog at all or spoken to me on this topic, you know. But, as I tell students all the time, "anything worth having takes hard work." I've also heard that "nothing changes if nothing changes." We must make this choice over and over and over and over again and again and again and again more and more and more and more ...... until it finally sticks!
>Do I know what this looks like or specifically how it's done? Nope. >Have I stopped pulling and mastered Trich even in the slightest? No way. >Have I found a renewed drive to fight this monster I've created and to choose to change? Yes indeed! ...and I hope you'll join me with whatever it is that you face.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
even when it all seems right
I have been focused on fighting the thoughts about how pulling out hairs will "improve" and "fix" my hair... and now I'm realizing that it's not just every once in a while that I pull for other reasons. Now more and more I'm finding that even when I love how my hair looks, I'm willing to mess it up to be able to pull. How whacked!!!
It's literally just becoming something to keep my hands busy. I've tried toys and fiddle things, I knit sometimes, I even use a head scratcher that feels amazing and I can use with one hand. Right now I'm just a mess and I really don't like myself.
Please pray for me! My husband is doing everything he can to encourage and focus me. God really is the only One who can help me. I'll keep crying out to Him and would love it if you would lift me up to Him too... Thanks!
It's literally just becoming something to keep my hands busy. I've tried toys and fiddle things, I knit sometimes, I even use a head scratcher that feels amazing and I can use with one hand. Right now I'm just a mess and I really don't like myself.
Please pray for me! My husband is doing everything he can to encourage and focus me. God really is the only One who can help me. I'll keep crying out to Him and would love it if you would lift me up to Him too... Thanks!
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
I'm So Blue
♪♫ "I'm so blue-ue-ue, blue-ue-ue, blue-ue-ue-ue! I'm so blue, I don't know what to do!"♫♪ - Madame Blueberry from Veggie TalesOn October 9th, almost a month ago, I went to the salon. I was nervous because I was going to get "something different". I wasn't picky about the cut, but was set on getting colored tips- something brand new and quite daring for my hair! It turned out really well and I was excited about the new 'do. For a while, the hair dye got on my pillow at night and on hands if I messed with my hair. This was a great deterrent from pulling since my fingers would come away blue, so I left my hair alone and everything was great!
Now close to a month later, I'm in a very different place and I'm not proud of it.
Last night my husband kept begging me to fight again, to leave my hands down, to leave my hair alone... and I didn't want to.
A little context for you:
- I'm 6 months pregnant
- The baby is constantly moving, especially when I want to sleep
- I can no longer sit, stand, or lay comfortably
- I feel like I've been pregnant forever
- I feel like the baby is never going to come
These things definitely lead to frustration and almost despair. In other words, I was predisposed to want to quit, buckle, throw in the towel, give up, abandon my goals, and ignore the problem.
After many tears, frustrated words, and trying to push away my annoyingly consoling husband, I finally was able to get to sleep. With the morning, I gained a fresh perspective. ...Not that everything is fixed and perfect! ...but I'm ready to fight again...
Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. -Proverbs 30:5b
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