FIFTY EIGHT

All these numbers.... all these records...

So much excitement! This is ridiculous! God is really blessing me as I turn it over to Him and as I let it go- by being more open about it and less hard on myself.
I'm more open with those who already know. I'm open to informing people of it at all. I'm not so ashamed when I pull. I move on and start the clock over- start from that moment NOT being a Tricha again.

Now I even passed my previous record. I passed the seemingly impossible barrier of 48 hours. This afternoon I ended 58 hours of freedom! It's so amazing that I am at a place in my life where I can focus on the length of time, rather than the fact that I pulled a hair at the end of that! It is truly remarkable! The Lord is freeing me and He's using all of YOU to do it!!!! Thank you SO much! I love you all dearly and thank the Lord for you constantly! I'd be in such a mess if it weren't for the amazing, caring, sensitive, encouraging friends and family that I have been blessed with.

With all the recent goals being met and records being broken, I am confident that I WILL be free from Trichatillamania. And that it won't take YEARS to get there either. I am confident that it is no longer a question of IF... only a matter of WHEN. This debate, this struggle in my mind over if versus when... is OVER... really! Forever! (at least that's what I say now...) This has strengthened my faith in God and His faithfulness to keep His promises and to have the best in mind for His children!

He will not let this rule my life- will not let me be trapped forever, feeling paralyzed and useless for Him- will not let me sit in this depressed state for a lifetime. He will rescue me- will give me the strength, the endurance, the courage, the faith, and the willpower- will protect me- will provide a way of escape- will comfort me and encourage, through His Word or His people... or even the history of His faithfulness in my own life. Not only WILL He do these things, but He IS doing them. He is the Great I AM! ... and He is My ALL! I cannot do anything without Him! Thank You, Jesus! You are freeing me from these chains which weigh me down from being all I can be for You!

YAY!!!!!! (and analysis)

I'm SO excited!!! I cannot calm down! This is the greatest thing to happen to me since I got Trichatillamania!!!!! This is the one thing I have wanted to happen for SO LONG!!!!! Finally happened!!!!! AH!!!!!! I have never been so happy to have a "bad hair day" (meaning a day where I pull a lot)!!!!  The Lord used something that I always get upset about- embarrassed about and feel ashamed about- to give me great joy and grant me my largest, most important request!!! Something that could be CRITICAL in setting me free from the bonds of my addiction!

I found ANOTHER TRICHA!!!!!! I am so giddy and happy and cannot stop moving!!! I am overflowing with joy and excitement!!!! We swapped phone numbers and I sent her a link to this blog... We see each other at least once a week already. We're going to be partners in tackling this monster! We now have a such a deep connection! SO FEW people understand our struggle!!! But she understands me and I understand her!!! More than my other friends could ever understand by talking to me or even reading this blog, where I am very open, honest, and real about what's happening in my head and how I feel...
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I was planning on posting tonight anyways- today was not a real good day... I tried a new technique in one of my classes. Everytime I pulled out a hair, I wrote down the time. ...like this:

 1445-58-1503-05-10-23-24-27-32-36-37-41-43

The class is one hour and 15 minutes long (1430-1545)... and I pulled THAT MANY times. Another note: I only wrote down any one minute once. Some of those were multiple hairs. Notice the fluctuation. I'd be going for a while (i.e. 1510-1523) and then I'd pull out in close intervals right after that. This is pretty common. I did this to try to evaluate how this actually goes. I wasn't sure if the pattern was really like that... or if I was imagining that progression. As I wrote down times, I tried not to analyze how often I was pulling, but just make note and continue to try not to pull- regardless of the number of hairs I had pulled or the frequency. I was just focused on "Don't pull now!" Then if I did pull, "Ok, what time is it? 1510. Ok." Then back to "Don't pull now!" There was no condemnation or analyzation during the process. It was pure research. I just wanted to share this information with all of you.

Anyway, I'm still SO EXCITED!!!!
:D  ^_^ XD

more about addictions

Well, I am doing better than last time I wrote to you. BUT not as well as the time before that...
Yesterday, I made it 13 waking hours without pulling, which was a good accomplishment. Unfortunately, since this is an addiction, "just one" is not possible. I have, in the past couple days, been able to resist pulling even when my hand is holding a single hair and ready to pull it out. That is REALLY difficult- to just let go and put my hand down. It's easier to just let it "accidentally" become detached from my head.
Back to the "just one" idea, I'm sure you've heard about drug addicts and alcoholics who crave just one. That they think that if they have just one, they can easily go back to cold turkey again. Just having one drink or puffing one time will help them be able to stand going without longer. You also may know that that does NOT work. Well, when I pull one hair, it's the same thing. I fall back into the addiction again. My body is reminded of the addiction and craves it even more than before I pulled. I also think, "How could just one more hair affect anything?" But that thought process adds up and results eventually in a bald spot and lots of tears.
That's where I am right now. Stuck in between freedom and bondage... it's a draw right now, with short victories for both sides. I need prayer, regular reminders of support, constant encouragement and accountability. This is really tough. It really, really is. The only consolation I have right now is the fact that I have at least recognized that this is actually an addiction, not just a habit.

:'( OUCH!

MOAN...

This is how it goes.

Unfortunately, I did not break the pattern this time.

The pattern (as I've told you before) is that I will be doing REALLY well and instantly I fall really hard back into trichotillomania. I take pride in my achievement and I guess I get comfortable and drop my guard too much. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it always does. Never fails... sadly. 

Here is what I have done in about 10 minutes:

You can't even see it as well in this picture as I can in person.

In addition to the usual problem of relapsing, I had some extra stress added to my life shortly after my 48 hour accomplishment. Currently, I am having some issues with roommates- more accurately, they have some issues with me. I didn't know anything was wrong until the past few days, but evidently these problems have existed for quite a while. As you can imagine, this is quite upsetting. And guess where I turned...

I cannot explain to you how upset I am right now. I'm upset about these circumstances I am finding myself in! I don't understand what's happening! I'm a wreck over this!

I'm upset at myself for relapsing after such a great feat! I was doing so well! 

How could I? How am I ever going to get back on track again? Will I ever be free? Will I ever be able to break out of this trend, this cycle? Can I just be normal, with normal problems for once???? PLEASE! I'm sick and tired of this! Why can't I break free? Why am I still struggling with this? I've fallen so far! This really hurts! And right now even pulling out my hair hurts (physically and emotionally)! Nothing is helping! I want out! Get me OUT of here! I'm stuck!

WHY? 

HOW? 

WHEN? 

WILL it happen? 

CAN I? 

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!! SOS! SOS! SOS! SOS!

MOAN... :'(

What's the deal with 48? ^o^

The last post had to do with a number... 4 in fact.
The significance was the number of hairs pulled in a day.
This time the number has a very different significance. This number 48 has been bothering me ever since I realized that I had trich- and that it must be conquered!

So what is 48 about anyway?! What's the big deal?
For me, being able to go from meal to meal without pulling out any hairs is pretty significant and quite a feat. A full day is (of course) even harder. Consequently, 36 hours is a tremendous accomplishment. Until October 6th, 2010 (two days ago), I had only gotten to the 36 hour milestone twice. Both times, I pushed myself to go for 48 hours. To be able to go for a full two days (and that includes sleeping time) was a HUGE milestone. I always felt like if I could manage that, there was hope that I could conquer this! I always failed. The pressure that I put on myself was so intense. I did not allow myself to enjoy the victory of 36 hours. I required so much more.

BUT on October 6, 2010, at 1722, I completed 48 hours! I was not ashamed of myself for pulling out that hair at that moment (and even now, I am not ashamed!). I was so excited that I had made it to the BIG 48! I had not even been pushing myself to make it to 48 hours. I had simply been focused on short periods of time, like hours and the periods between meals. As I thought back, I realized that it added up.... to my long-desired, seemingly impossible goal! The best part is: most of that time I wasn't even consciously fighting trich. I was starting to forget about it! I was truly starting to conquer it!!!!

If it wasn't for the support of my numerous friends, I would not have progressed to this healthy stage. You guys are the best friends I could ask for! You all are my life-savers! I thank God for each and every one of you daily and at every thought of you!!!!

FOUR

4... Four... For... Phor?

This has been my favorite number for ages, but today it has special significance.  

Why is that?!

Well... today was a great day for my scalp! Only four hairs were lost in the battle! YAY! This is such an improvement!

Although this is great news, you don't know the most exciting part yet! It wasn't even so much of a struggle today!!!! The urge was so minor and most of the day, trich was not even on my mind. Today even had a significant amount of stress, but trich was not present as a coping mechanism. It was so great! AH!!!
^_^