The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Wow. It's been a while. I kept meaning to update the blog, but teaching (you know, my job) got in the way. :P Anyway, I have returned with good news and bad news. First, the good news:

As a teacher, I am extremely busy, not just a busy schedule and lots to do, but my hands remain very active throughout the day. I do not spend much time thinking about things, just constantly moving chairs and stands, distributing and gathering music and pencils, assembling and fixing instruments, conducting, pointing out things, typing, writing, alphabetizing, labeling, sorting, adjusting the temperature based on the size class approaching, and many more descriptive verbs that I can not think of presently. Another nice thing is that I am known around the school for being cold, not only do I wear sweaters but GLOVES! Needlesstosay, pulling has been MUCH better!!! When my hands are active (both of them), I do not pull nearly as much. If I am wearing gloves during the other times, I'm set! This has been fantastic!

Now for the bad news: That was the story before the past week.
Last week multiple things happened:

• I found many mistakes in my posted grades for the first quarter which ended the previous Friday
• There was a day off which consisted of a funeral (and much less for my hands to do)
• Many gray hairs appeared clearly in the part of my hair
• We had parent/teacher conferences Thursday and Friday (STRESSful!)
• There were unfortunate turns of events on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights
• Finally I got mad at myself for falling so hard after such a great period of time in terms of trichotillomania.

I think most of those things are self-explanatory how they affected my pulling, but there is one which I want to elaborate upon: the gray hairs. On Wednesday, I walked in the bathroom and noticed something funny in my hair. I decided to clean the shiny thing out, only to find it was the beginnings of another gray hair... and then another... and another. Thankfully, I did not start inspecting my whole head, but I could not tolerate them in such a visible place as the part. Later in the day, I realized that I was pulling out of fear of discovering more gray hairs. "Oh, no!!! I'll never stop pulling if I keep this up. Gray hairs will not be going away... They will keep growing in," I thought to myself. As I said, I got mad at myself, especially over this reason for pulling, which stupidly enough lead to more pulling. It makes no sense!!!!

  "...this destructive friend... still beckons anda
 pleads with me and I stand at the thresholda
 considering to let it come in again...".

Just two weeks ago, I decided that I would NOT allow Trich to define me. I will not call myself a Tricha, because my identity is in Christ alone who will free me even from this. He will do it on Earth, if I let Him, but at the latest in Heaven in my glorified body! And then this happens which makes me feel even MORE defined by this habit, this addiction, this cycle, this terror, this destructive friend. I don't want to be friends anymore, but Trich will not leave me alone!!!! How do I make Trich get the hint? We're done; we're through. I am moving on! Why is it that the very things which are destroying us, our self-image, our bodies, and our lives seem so comforting in the moment? It's stupid but true, even as I write this and am utterly broken in this state, the temptation is clearly present... and oddly, not completely abhorrent! Even as I reflect on what it has done to me and my relationships with those around me, it still beckons and pleads with me and I stand at the threshold considering to let it come in again right after tossing it out the door!

Basically, I need prayer.
(Sorry for this lame ending to this post but it is all I can come up with for now.)