Is Uniformity Essential to Belonging?

I have been analyzing my thoughts when I pull, and the motive behind it. What makes me pull hair out? Why do I do it? How do I choose which hairs to pull? Is there a standard thought pattern? Does that reveal anything? Can I focus on fixing the thoughts rather than just the behavior? Is the idea of trying to stop pulling without dealing with the thoughts like treating a symptom of an ailment without taking care of the real disease?

No longer will I focus on the symptoms!

Here are my findings:

Generally, I determine that the hair in question does not belong. There are various reasons: texture, length, color (gray!), sticking out of place, source of an itch, or next to a bald spot which makes it seem out of place. No matter what the specific reason, it always comes back to that it doesn't belong because.... It'S dIffEreNt. This is absolute absurdity coming from a person who has prided herself on being different her WHOLE LIFE!!!! Some people love to fit in and are terrified by the thought of standing out of the crowd. But we're not talking about those people! We are talking about a Weirdo who hates blending in and realizing that what she is doing or what she is like is normal. 

So the real question is: Is Uniformity Essential to Belonging?

In other words, Do you have to be exactly the "same" to be a part of a group?

I tend to think not.

Though when it comes to Trich, I evidently think it does.

Since the premise of my observation was to figure out what my thought process is so I can combat that instead of the behavior, I need to know take this knowledge and confront the thoughts- confront my mind! This is a dangerous task! 

I am trying to attack this line of reasoning by reminding myself that uniqueness is beautiful. "This hair is weird," I tell myself. To most people, that word would set them off. To me, weird is a great compliment. (For more on that topic, check out my other blog: weirdwierd.blogspot.com) I am not saying that I was a total victor today, but when I reminded myself that the hair is weird and its uniqueness is essential to my hair not being boring (one reason I hate the thought of being normal- I'd be boring!), it was SOOO much easier to let the hair go and move on. Usually, it's a hard struggle, but when I remembered this, it wasn't a struggle! I was happy to keep the weird hair!

God and I have had many, many discussions about my hair, especially recently. I've been at the end of my rope. I know that I cannot do this on my own. I will never be free in my own strength- I cannot do it. BUT I know He has the strength! 

The hard part is giving it to Him and not taking it back.

I am so thankful for the victory (though small regarding improved behavior) today. It gives me hope. Instead of criticizing the hair God gave me, I am thanking Him for creating each hair unique just as He made each person unique! Thank you, Father, for being so creative and gracious! Creative in that You did make things unique and different. This world is certainly not boring! Gracious in that You have been so patient with me and my complaining and criticizing. Gracious in that You help me despite myself. You are AMAZING, GOD! 

Obsession

I remember how this whole thing started.....

During my senior year of high school, I had my hair layered. I also had been obsessed with my hair for years before that, making sure that was perfect, not just nice. With the layering, my hair had many different lengths, but this bothered me. When I messed with my hair, I'd find one hair left in my fingers and rip it off to the length of a nearby hair (not pull it out, just shorten it). Over time, this became more and more frequent and more of an issue. Certain sections of my hair began to get significantly shorter. By the end of my senior year, all the hair by my neck was only a few inches long versus the extremely long hair (down my entire back) that covered it. Once I graduated, I got my hair cut to make it all even and donated the 15 inches to Locks of Love. Since I had seen what happens when I rip off the hair, I pulled out a hair when it wasn't perfect: too long or a fly away in a hairdo. At first, this was very rare, but it grew more frequent. I'd find one of these hairs that I felt did not "fit" which was a small level of stress. To fix it I pulled it out; this provided me with a release and I taught myself that pulling out hair makes me feel "good" and reduces stress. This is how my Trich began.

The obsession still continues...

Today I still pull out hairs that "don't fit", but now that I've had Trich for so many years, it has affected the thickness of my hair. I am thankful that God gave me an incredibly thick head of hair because it has thinned a lot and provided me with some protection rather than balding easily. I have not pulled evenly, so the thickness, or rather thinness, is not even. Now I've started trying to even it out by where I pull. UGH! I need to just stop pulling, not make it all the same thinness. I need to let the hair grow back in to let it get even. That is a much better plan! Why can't I seem to stick to it?

Anyway, I'm trying to learn that the pursuit of perfect hair is pointless and endless and therefore futile. Perfection is only attainable when I have truly become like Christ, which will not happen on this earth. This goes for every aspect of my life, not just character. I will have a glorified body and finally have "perfect" hair! Lord, help me to keep my focus on You, not on attaining perfection in my appearance. How self-centered can I be? I must focus on You not me. Help me make You my obsession!

Even Now!

On Sunday morning, I went to church, as per my usual routine. Of course it is not just about routine; I want to be closer to my Savior, fellowship with other believers, and be taught from His Word. It was a good morning and I was really happy, free from stress, just at peace in life. In the sermon, the pastor talked about different ways we do not allow Christ to give us life and be our Life. He is the Resurrection AND the Life! One of these ways was "In the Delay". This referred to when we are waiting on God to act, step in, intervene, fix a situation that it out of our control or power. The verse where Jesus says, "I am the Resurrection and the Life. Whoever believes in Me, though he die, yet shall he live.." (John 11:25) comes from the story of Lazarus, who was very sick and then died but ultimately after this conversation Jesus came and rose him from the dead. Martha, one of the sisters of Lazarus, met Jesus while He was approaching the house after her brother's death. She was upset that He had not come earlier to heal her brother, but then spoke these words (John 11:22, bold added), "But even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You."

The pastor really dug into those words.

Even now God can act in your situation... Even now He can work in your marriage... Even now He can move in your child's life... Even now He can give you a job... Even now He can ease your pain... EVEN NOW He can break your addiction! 

As far as I was concerned, he stopped there to let it sink in.
How powerful are those words to someone who doubts whether God will work! 
How powerful are those words to someone who's struggled for five years! 
How powerful when one has given up hope, because Trich will always be there! 

I felt the tears forming right then and there. God challenged me: You think that I can't work in you, just because it's been five years? Does My power have a time limit? Does My love run dry? Do My promises expire? Who do you think I am? How big am I? What would stop Me from helping My child now? Why would I care less now than five years ago, or three years ago, or last year? What has changed? I certainly have not, and will not. Let Me move. Let Me help. Trust Me... Even now!

Later that day, I was thinking more about Trich and the message God sent to me through His messenger (my pastor). Suddenly, I realized that I had not pulled any hair since Saturday morning or even Friday night! I knew it was possible that I might have pulled Saturday morning, but could not actually remember it happening like I could from Friday night. I had lasted over a full day without thinking about Trich at all, without struggling through the desire, the urge! The Lord did that for me to show me that I can trust Him and depend on Him to free me... even now!!!

Tonight as I shared yet again about my struggling with this odd addiction- the ins and outs of why and when it happens, what goes through my head, what I actually feel, the strategies I've tried, etc- the Lord spoke to me again. When discussing Trich, I am very careful about where my hands are and to keep them occupied. The conversation turned to other topics after that and I was not as aware of what I was doing. Sometimes I caught myself pulling and reached for something to mess with or put a hat on my head. When ending the conversation, God spoke through the other person, leading him to mention Trich one more time and say some very meaningful words to me... right as I was pulling! He said, "I will always be praying for you about Trich. Do not stop fighting! Even if you only fight for a few minutes, that is better than not fighting at all!"

He said more than this, but these were the words God spoke to my heart as the hair slipped from my fingers to the floor. I could not pull another.

I must fight, at least "for a few minutes". I can handle that. Just a few minutes. It's "better than not fighting at all"! God, help me!

In His strength, I resisted the great urge. Some people would analyze this away and say that it's simply human effort through divide and conquer, just focus on simple bits that you can handle and soon you've tackled a lot. While this may seem feasible, I know it was God speaking through His messengers to me at the very moment I needed it, and with the very words I needed, to convict me or empower me just as I needed.
Praise be to God!

Thank You, Lord, for caring about me enough to work like this!
Thank You for loving this prideful, treasonous, insignificant speck despite Myself and all my doubts!
Thank You for providing these messengers (and others) in my life to
encourage, correct, comfort, advise, and even just listen!
I do know that You can free me from this addiction
with little baby-steps, a few minutes at a time,
EVEN NOW!