OVER 100

Currently 156 hours to be precise!
This has been amazing! Tonight it will be a FULL week since this count started. 

I must first explain that it is 156 hours with four hairs pulled and a few with the ends ripped off.
Why am I still counting that time? Well, I'm glad you asked. I'll talk about that in a minute. Hold that thought...


With such a victory, I have been forced to consider what has been different this time... and even bigger than that "What made each large victory different than other times?" and "What made this victory last even longer?" How can I reproduce it and keep experiencing victory if I do not analyze what leads to victory???

1. I'm in a different stage of life from when most of my victories happened. (in college vs. full-time teaching)
   BUT this isn't it, because I'm in my second year of teaching and have struggled a lot here too...
2. I'm living at home rather than in a dorm.
   This isn't the factor either, because again I've struggled since living at home.
3. I have a great support system and someone who doesn't let me wallow in despair when I fail.
   This is certainly significant, but how has it helped me to last so long withOUT pulling? This only explains not pulling a ton when I do slip up.
4. I have allowed myself some grace. Allow me to explain. Remember how I started this post? "I must first explain that it is 156 hours with four hairs pulled and a few with the ends ripped off."
   Well, when I start over my timer for just a single hair, I feel like such a failure and say "I already pulled one, what will 20 matter?" This was dangerous thinking! So as extra motivation and as a reward for stopping right away when I pull, I keep the timer running. It is HUGE that I went that long with only FOUR hairs pulled out! Also, the last hair was pulled last Wednesday (not sure of the exact time) so most of that time is without ANY pulling whatsoever!
   Obviously, this is WAY different and very effective!!!
5. I'm NOT just trying to keep my hands DOWN. I have tried keeping my hands down away from my hair so I am not tempted, but I don't just pull when I play with my hair. It also happens when I'm styling or washing it. Sometimes I also have a legitimate itch! For this to last a LONG time, I must learn to be able to mess with my hair and not pull. Below you will see something I have done to help since I am not just keeping my hands down. Of course, I am trying to play with my hair less... but remembering that I cannot keep them down forever.
   This will help long-term which is my goal- to be free forever!
6. I trimmed hairs with scissors if the hairs were legitimately too long compared to the hairs around it. This would help me to not keep finding the same hairs and be tempted again and again. Of course, I know that sometimes the hair is not "wrong" and when I found that to be the case, I longer wanted to pull it! Cutting the hairs (vs ripping the ends) makes the ends even rather than just making it shorter and uneven leading to more temptation later and an all-around short hairdo.
   Clearly, this is extremely effective and gets right to the issue!

Now you know! Celebrate with me as I allow my hair to grow again! :D

The Wrong Kind of Busy

Sometimes being busy helps me to keep from pulling because I'm doing too many things to even have a chance for my hands to reach towards my head. Other times I'm super busy, but it is the wrong kind of busy. I am stressed and trying to get a lot done, but I have opportunities to pull and because there is so much on my mind, I'm not thinking about where my hands are. To make matters even worse, even if I do notice I ignore it because I can't slow down enough to split my thoughts between my to-do list/schedule and reminding myself not to pull.

As you've probably guessed, I pulled a lot today. It was the wrong kind of busy. I didn't cry out for help- didn't send up a prayer, send an email letting anyone else know, or just tell someone that I wasn't having a wonderful day. I conveniently forgot about my stress and Trich-frustrations when asked how I was doing. Possibly because that would allow me to get back to my crazy schedule. I don't know.

Anyway, I am hoping and praying that I can have a better kind of busy and a better attempt in the days to come.

Braids, Bald, Blah

Braids

I've been realizing that the way I mess with my hair and the way other people mess with their hair or even someone else's is entirely different. This is part of my problem. I grab a small section between my fingers and stroke it down to the end. When I feel a hair is longer than the others, I continue to drift down the hair so I only have it in my fingers and then adjust my hand so I can pull it out.

I didn't used to "play" with my hair like this. It used to be stroking it in huge chunks, with my fingers spread out not clasped around the hair... basically combing with my fingers. The other thing I would do is make hairdos or braid my hair. I would braid really tiny portions sometimes, but when I was in elementary school, I was always braiding - hair, bookmark tassels, tablecloth tassels, yarn, or anything that I could make move in that fashion (clothes, straws, whatever!)

Last night I decided to braid the small sections I found in my fingers. Sometimes they were really difficult to braid because of the various lengths (or the bald spots, that section is next), but I focused on braiding not pulling! It was nice getting back to an old habit.

Bald

Yes, I have a bald spot. Unfortunately, this morning I discovered I have TWO. One has been there for a while now but has grown and is quite difficult to cover. The other is new, because I was trying to pull in a different spot on my head... <sarcasm> that was effective! </sarcasm> This leads me to my next topic for today:

Blah...

I do not know why but I am not feeling very motivated. I'm not just back in the apathetic stage, but I've found myself sometimes pretending to care. Pretending is not helping. I thought it would force me to take care of myself, but instead it just hides the apathy from other people despite the fact that I'm just as bad as ever. ARG! I'm mad at myself. Why can't I just keep caring so I can keep fighting? Usually, bald spots drive me back to fighting, but right now I feel hopeless. Yes, I keep reading verses about God's strength and freedom. Yes, I keep hearing powerful songs about being set free and depending on the Lord. Yes, I recognize them and love them! No, they are not making a difference. There has to be a bigger change. Just reading or hearing is not enough. I must change my thinking! I know all of this and yet cannot seem to fight, cannot seem to change, therefore cannot overcome.

Maybe I've been given too much grace. I've always preferred justice and punishment to forgiveness and mercy. I think I respond better to punishment. God knows and is trying to teach me that He won't always give me what I want (harsh punishment to knock sense into me), that I need forgiveness! But right now, I need some tough love I think- telling me that I'm ruining myself and must stop.

OR maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. I just don't know.

Is Uniformity Essential to Belonging?

I have been analyzing my thoughts when I pull, and the motive behind it. What makes me pull hair out? Why do I do it? How do I choose which hairs to pull? Is there a standard thought pattern? Does that reveal anything? Can I focus on fixing the thoughts rather than just the behavior? Is the idea of trying to stop pulling without dealing with the thoughts like treating a symptom of an ailment without taking care of the real disease?

No longer will I focus on the symptoms!

Here are my findings:

Generally, I determine that the hair in question does not belong. There are various reasons: texture, length, color (gray!), sticking out of place, source of an itch, or next to a bald spot which makes it seem out of place. No matter what the specific reason, it always comes back to that it doesn't belong because.... It'S dIffEreNt. This is absolute absurdity coming from a person who has prided herself on being different her WHOLE LIFE!!!! Some people love to fit in and are terrified by the thought of standing out of the crowd. But we're not talking about those people! We are talking about a Weirdo who hates blending in and realizing that what she is doing or what she is like is normal. 

So the real question is: Is Uniformity Essential to Belonging?

In other words, Do you have to be exactly the "same" to be a part of a group?

I tend to think not.

Though when it comes to Trich, I evidently think it does.

Since the premise of my observation was to figure out what my thought process is so I can combat that instead of the behavior, I need to know take this knowledge and confront the thoughts- confront my mind! This is a dangerous task! 

I am trying to attack this line of reasoning by reminding myself that uniqueness is beautiful. "This hair is weird," I tell myself. To most people, that word would set them off. To me, weird is a great compliment. (For more on that topic, check out my other blog: weirdwierd.blogspot.com) I am not saying that I was a total victor today, but when I reminded myself that the hair is weird and its uniqueness is essential to my hair not being boring (one reason I hate the thought of being normal- I'd be boring!), it was SOOO much easier to let the hair go and move on. Usually, it's a hard struggle, but when I remembered this, it wasn't a struggle! I was happy to keep the weird hair!

God and I have had many, many discussions about my hair, especially recently. I've been at the end of my rope. I know that I cannot do this on my own. I will never be free in my own strength- I cannot do it. BUT I know He has the strength! 

The hard part is giving it to Him and not taking it back.

I am so thankful for the victory (though small regarding improved behavior) today. It gives me hope. Instead of criticizing the hair God gave me, I am thanking Him for creating each hair unique just as He made each person unique! Thank you, Father, for being so creative and gracious! Creative in that You did make things unique and different. This world is certainly not boring! Gracious in that You have been so patient with me and my complaining and criticizing. Gracious in that You help me despite myself. You are AMAZING, GOD! 

Obsession

I remember how this whole thing started.....

During my senior year of high school, I had my hair layered. I also had been obsessed with my hair for years before that, making sure that was perfect, not just nice. With the layering, my hair had many different lengths, but this bothered me. When I messed with my hair, I'd find one hair left in my fingers and rip it off to the length of a nearby hair (not pull it out, just shorten it). Over time, this became more and more frequent and more of an issue. Certain sections of my hair began to get significantly shorter. By the end of my senior year, all the hair by my neck was only a few inches long versus the extremely long hair (down my entire back) that covered it. Once I graduated, I got my hair cut to make it all even and donated the 15 inches to Locks of Love. Since I had seen what happens when I rip off the hair, I pulled out a hair when it wasn't perfect: too long or a fly away in a hairdo. At first, this was very rare, but it grew more frequent. I'd find one of these hairs that I felt did not "fit" which was a small level of stress. To fix it I pulled it out; this provided me with a release and I taught myself that pulling out hair makes me feel "good" and reduces stress. This is how my Trich began.

The obsession still continues...

Today I still pull out hairs that "don't fit", but now that I've had Trich for so many years, it has affected the thickness of my hair. I am thankful that God gave me an incredibly thick head of hair because it has thinned a lot and provided me with some protection rather than balding easily. I have not pulled evenly, so the thickness, or rather thinness, is not even. Now I've started trying to even it out by where I pull. UGH! I need to just stop pulling, not make it all the same thinness. I need to let the hair grow back in to let it get even. That is a much better plan! Why can't I seem to stick to it?

Anyway, I'm trying to learn that the pursuit of perfect hair is pointless and endless and therefore futile. Perfection is only attainable when I have truly become like Christ, which will not happen on this earth. This goes for every aspect of my life, not just character. I will have a glorified body and finally have "perfect" hair! Lord, help me to keep my focus on You, not on attaining perfection in my appearance. How self-centered can I be? I must focus on You not me. Help me make You my obsession!

Even Now!

On Sunday morning, I went to church, as per my usual routine. Of course it is not just about routine; I want to be closer to my Savior, fellowship with other believers, and be taught from His Word. It was a good morning and I was really happy, free from stress, just at peace in life. In the sermon, the pastor talked about different ways we do not allow Christ to give us life and be our Life. He is the Resurrection AND the Life! One of these ways was "In the Delay". This referred to when we are waiting on God to act, step in, intervene, fix a situation that it out of our control or power. The verse where Jesus says, "I am the Resurrection and the Life. Whoever believes in Me, though he die, yet shall he live.." (John 11:25) comes from the story of Lazarus, who was very sick and then died but ultimately after this conversation Jesus came and rose him from the dead. Martha, one of the sisters of Lazarus, met Jesus while He was approaching the house after her brother's death. She was upset that He had not come earlier to heal her brother, but then spoke these words (John 11:22, bold added), "But even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You."

The pastor really dug into those words.

Even now God can act in your situation... Even now He can work in your marriage... Even now He can move in your child's life... Even now He can give you a job... Even now He can ease your pain... EVEN NOW He can break your addiction! 

As far as I was concerned, he stopped there to let it sink in.
How powerful are those words to someone who doubts whether God will work! 
How powerful are those words to someone who's struggled for five years! 
How powerful when one has given up hope, because Trich will always be there! 

I felt the tears forming right then and there. God challenged me: You think that I can't work in you, just because it's been five years? Does My power have a time limit? Does My love run dry? Do My promises expire? Who do you think I am? How big am I? What would stop Me from helping My child now? Why would I care less now than five years ago, or three years ago, or last year? What has changed? I certainly have not, and will not. Let Me move. Let Me help. Trust Me... Even now!

Later that day, I was thinking more about Trich and the message God sent to me through His messenger (my pastor). Suddenly, I realized that I had not pulled any hair since Saturday morning or even Friday night! I knew it was possible that I might have pulled Saturday morning, but could not actually remember it happening like I could from Friday night. I had lasted over a full day without thinking about Trich at all, without struggling through the desire, the urge! The Lord did that for me to show me that I can trust Him and depend on Him to free me... even now!!!

Tonight as I shared yet again about my struggling with this odd addiction- the ins and outs of why and when it happens, what goes through my head, what I actually feel, the strategies I've tried, etc- the Lord spoke to me again. When discussing Trich, I am very careful about where my hands are and to keep them occupied. The conversation turned to other topics after that and I was not as aware of what I was doing. Sometimes I caught myself pulling and reached for something to mess with or put a hat on my head. When ending the conversation, God spoke through the other person, leading him to mention Trich one more time and say some very meaningful words to me... right as I was pulling! He said, "I will always be praying for you about Trich. Do not stop fighting! Even if you only fight for a few minutes, that is better than not fighting at all!"

He said more than this, but these were the words God spoke to my heart as the hair slipped from my fingers to the floor. I could not pull another.

I must fight, at least "for a few minutes". I can handle that. Just a few minutes. It's "better than not fighting at all"! God, help me!

In His strength, I resisted the great urge. Some people would analyze this away and say that it's simply human effort through divide and conquer, just focus on simple bits that you can handle and soon you've tackled a lot. While this may seem feasible, I know it was God speaking through His messengers to me at the very moment I needed it, and with the very words I needed, to convict me or empower me just as I needed.
Praise be to God!

Thank You, Lord, for caring about me enough to work like this!
Thank You for loving this prideful, treasonous, insignificant speck despite Myself and all my doubts!
Thank You for providing these messengers (and others) in my life to
encourage, correct, comfort, advise, and even just listen!
I do know that You can free me from this addiction
with little baby-steps, a few minutes at a time,
EVEN NOW!

Tough, but not Ford

In 48 hours, I pulled out only 5 hairs!!!!!! :D

This watch thing is totally working! Please keep praying! The tough part when I'm doing really well is not beating myself up mentally when I mess it up a little or fail miserably. Either way I get really hard on myself expecting perfection and demanding it with no room for grace. God is teaching me about grace right now- towards myself and also others and also accepting it from others (this is the TOUGHEST!!!).

Thank you all again!

P.S. Did you notice that I'm keeping you more up-to-date? I hope to continue! ....we shall see...

Too Long...

It has been too long...

Too long since I went to my hairdresser

Too long since I went a full day without pulling

Too long since I had someone remind me not to pull

Too long since I could wear a hat to keep me from pulling

Too long since I had a record-breaking time without pulling

Too long since I had long, beautiful hair not threatened by Trich

Too long since I posted on this blog...

First the excuse:
I was trying to figure out how to put up an audio clip from my phone. It was a great way of sharing how I felt about a situation that happened regarding hair. Once I figure it out, I will post it, but it may be a while. Just realize that chronologically it would fall before this post.

Second the blog post:
This week I came up with a new tactic! My watch (which I wear ALWAYS, including in bed and the shower) has a stopwatch on it. Everytime I pull a hair, I reset the timer. This makes me even more aware of each time I pull, as well as showing me how long it has been since the last one. Often it was only 10 minutes, but then other times it would be multiple hours. This gave me more hope! One day I got up to 10 hours, including sleeping, and I determined that I had to break that small record.

This past Friday was National Hat Day, so teachers were allowed to wear hats. I LOVE HATS, and they help a lot with pulling. Needlesstosay, I wore one. Around 9 am, I pulled out a hair and reset the timer. As the day progressed, I checked the timer sometimes to see how long it had been. Sometimes I forget and think it's been longer than it has, but that day my memory was correct! I lasted 32 hours!!! This started in the morning, lasted all day, I slept, and then it lasted most of Saturday as well!

Once I did pull, it was hard to stop for a while. Honestly, I've had trouble going very long since I broke the long streak (for example, I'm up to 8 minutes right now), but 32 hours was super encouraging. I haven't had anything like that in a long time! Hope has returned yet again!!! :D

Thank you for checking on me and encouraging me when you can. This is a hard battle, but the Lord is with me so it is possible! Hard truth to remember in the moment, but that does not make it any less true. I refuse to be a practical atheist: one who believes in God yet lives as if one does not believe. Too many Christians are practical atheists... we do not trust- not really. We want help now and in the way we expect, then He can leave us be until we need His assistance again. He doesn't want to be there just when I am stuck. He will never leave us nor forsake us. He is NOT the last resort. He is all I have! Not last, not first, ALL of it. Anything I try is in His strength, anything I fail is in His protective arms and wisdom, anything I succeed in is Him working through me!

May the Lord make His presence and direction ever clear to you.
May it not be too long until we understand and truly believe this.
May it not be too long until we see His glory.
May it not be too long until we are free!