Awareness Week!

October 1-7th, 2010 is Trichotillomania Awareness Week!
That starts tomorrow!!!!!
I do not know what all I will do during this week, but I will be raising awareness! I'd love to have help from you. I'll keep you all posted on this blog as to my plans... if any ever actually develop.

First, I am printing out some of these brochures... It's really good!
http://trich.org/dnld/About_TTM_08.pdf

This page (below) is really good and I have now posted it in my room. Hopefully this list will help me.
The line that really got me was the one where I'm supposed to say "every hair belongs on my head." That's a big deal for me right now! That's the exact opposite of the thinking I have when I pull!
http://trich.org/treatment/50WaystoStopl.html

5 HOURS?!?

Guess what? Last night was an amazing night! Two wonderful friends of mine talked to me about my trich.
One stopped me after Bible study and asked me how I was doing. I talked to her for quite a while and started thinking about all kinds of new things that had never occurred to me. She was so amazingly helpful!
Then I talked to another friend of mine who was mostly comforting me about it. At the time that was something I really needed. I am so thankful to have friends like them!!!! I don't know what I would do without them!

Well, the most amazing part was while I was talking to them I did not pull at all. The urge came- don't misunderstand that! But I did not give in to it. A few times I had to scratch my head because the urge was really bothering me, but I lasted 5 hours!

(All realizations and new ideas here come from the conversations with my fabulous friends)
I realized that I need to deal with this in small chunks of time. Because this is an addiction, I need to think about it like an addiction. I need to deal with it like an addiction. So now I am taking this one hour at a time. Each meal the count resets. As the count gets really high, I feel a lot of pressure to continue and that I am a big failure if I can't continue. It's like: "I made it 36 hours. What's wrong with you? If you can make it 36, why can't you last 37 hours?!" The bigger the numbers get the more demanding I become on myself. So last night, before bed I lasted 5 hours! Now the clock is reset til I eat lunch and guess what! It's been an hour! :D

community

So, I really want to find other Trichas and Trichos on my campus. I had decided to host an event next Monday. I created an ad for the school site to let Trichsters know to come and when and where- plus to raise awareness. Unfortunately, my college has a policy where you can't post an ad unless it is sponsored by a department or student organization.

There are two problems here:

1. I cannot get the courage up to ask any of the orgs I am in to sponsor the event. It seems scarier to approach people I know and tell them about this struggle than to host an event where I'll tell a bunch of people about the mania. Seems really odd when I step back, but that's how I feel. So that option is out right now.
2. I looked into the process of creating a student org. Unfortunately, I missed the deadline for the paperwork, so I can't create a group til the Spring Semester, which is February. That sorta defeats the point. I need community NOW not to start the process a few MONTHS from now.

:/ sigh  If you have any ideas, please post them below. I don't care how long ago this was posted... If you have an idea, I'd love to hear it, consider it, and hopefully try it out! Thanks, guys! I really want to band together to put Trich behind us and get it out of our hair! ;)

:update:

I'm just posting a quick little update for you guys.
I haven't been wearing gloves much. Unfortunately, the weather is not fitting for gloves. :( I try to wear them when I'm around people who know about my TTM, but otherwise I haven't worn gloves. Thankfully, although the pulling is happening, it hasn't been too bad.
Thanks for checking up on me.

Are you cold?

The last post probably made you all think that I'm doing really well right now. Or at least that I'm feeling better about things- thinking more positively and all that.
Well, that's not exactly accurate. One of my friends noticed yesterday at church that something was definitely up with me. I told him that I was having great difficulty with trich. Basically yesterday morning, I took about a half hour doing my hair. Not that I was trying to do something elaborate. I was just trying to do something simple that would guarantee that my bald spots are covered. I ended up with a bow right on the crown of my head. It was impossible to arrange my hair to have it cover it. I had to resort to a bow covering the large spot that's right there.

This put me in a terrible mood for church...

A friend of mine (right now I don't remember which one- probably one I've already mentioned) gave me the idea to wear gloves. Because I was so traumatized by not being able to hide my spots, I decided to give it a try. Luckily yesterday it was a little cold and my church also is always so cold. Most people didn't think much of it; they just figured that I was keeping my hands warm (especially since I'm a musician).

Although the gloves worked yesterday, I haven't worn them much today because it's not cold outside. I just don't think people would buy that excuse today, which is disappointing. The gloves really worked!!!! It was pretty exciting to realize that. It's a good thing winter is coming! These coming months of cold weather will help my scalp so much! I'm so excited!!!!! :D Hopefully with so much time not pulling I will be able to go into the spring gloveless and freed from trich! That would be amazing!!!!

"Lord, thank You so much for giving me such amazing friends! I know that without them I would have no chance of getting over this. Thank You for bringing them into my life and giving me the courage to tell them. Their support is essential and helps me get through the rough times- especially when I am really struggling with trichotillomania! I'm looking forward to sharing my story of victory with other trichsters in the future! Thank You for the glimmers of hope that You have given me when I needed it most! If it wasn't for You loving and caring for me, I'd be in so much trouble and have no hope and no way of escape! I love You! but I realize that I only am able to love You because You love me first! Lord, You're AWEsome! Truly! In Your precious Son's name I pray, Amen."

Reaching Out

This week I told numerous of my friends about this blog and one of them suggested that I try to find if someone else had this same idea... maybe that person could encourage me just like I want to encourage other trichsters. (That title I found during this search. I found quite a few creative trichotillomania puns :) which I look forward to using!)

So I started the search last night. Boy, was it exciting! I've made so many connections already! This is not to say that I'm cured and everything is hunky-dory. Quite the contrary actually. I was pulling the entire time I was reading about it, but I was encouraged and revived. I'M NOT ALONE! I knew that I wasn't but I'm truly experiencing that now! It's so refreshing! I can't explain to all of you how refreshing this truly is. I just can't explain it.

I read about some people being free from this "trichy" mess for up to six weeks! That's incredible and unfathomable to me! Also so exciting!!!! It's possible!!!! YAY!!!

My Crack...

Ok... So far, I have raised awareness about Trichotillomania and shared some of the thoughts which lead to the vicious cycle of caring, conquering, relaxing, relapsing, not caring, and depression... which eventually leads back to caring (a healthy and actually beneficial level of concern) again. But where the three dots are- that can be a huge chunk of time. It always feels like forever- no matter how long it is in reality.

In the last post, I was in the "not caring" stage.
I have progressed...
I have a real serious problem, guys. I mean, REAL SERIOUS. I've pulled out huge chunks of hair tonight. It's worse than ever before. I'm even to the point where I am literally fighting myself simply to keep my hands out of my hair. It's killing me! The pull is too great! My head is practically screaming to be rid of certain hairs and my hands are struggling to remain down. They are raising themselves... I have to consciously hold my hands down and keep track of where they are every moment. I am honestly addicted. I am addicted to destroying my head- my image- in the midst of this image-centered culture. Most parents are more concerned about their teens getting addicted to crack or nicotine or something. How many parents ever consider that teens could become addicted to ripping hair out of the their heads?! I doubt any- unless they've experienced it themselves.

I seriously have a huge pile of hair sitting next to me. I just want to cry and shove all my hair back in! :'(
POUT! ...MOAN! ...SIGH...
yet I continue to rip it out!!! I can't stop!
Why is this happening to me? Why can't it be over? Why can't I stop? Why is it so hard? Why can no one seem to be able to help me? Why does it seem like God isn't listening? Why must I feel so alone in this? Why am I the only one? No one understands! No one I know has experienced this before! I'm trapped, addicted, stuck, upset, balding, and worst all (especially as such a social person) ALONE.

Nothing Left

sigh So this is pretty sad...

It's sad when I realize that I just started this blog thinking "I'm on my way to recovery!" and knowing that I will have hard times where I pick it up again, but mostly going up! I was also sort of assuming that the change would start happening sooner.
sigh Bummer. That's not what is happening... not at all. I feel like I'm at square one again. GRRRR! I'm sick and tired of square one. I keep falling back down here. You know those addicting little games where you're moving along, possibly jumping up onto different steps and platforms and then suddenly your finger slips, you fall off the ledge and land exactly where you were when you started the level. moan That's what this is like, except it has real, lasting consequences in life and it's happening over and over and over and over and... (you guessed it) over again!

Well, the point of this blog was to show reality. This is the reality of my life as a Tricha. It is an endless cycle (hopefully not endless, but it currently is) of pain, frustration, and embarrassment.

Oh, man. It was really bad today... Not so much the hair pulling, though that was there. What I'm referring to is actually something my grandmother said today. We were talking about hair- I have a new hairdo currently. She had not seen it in person since I got it done. I was telling her how I style it and what my hair does naturally and such. Then she made a comment about how she used to have a ton of hair like I do (more like how I used to before trichotillomania took over my life) and now she's got this bald spot. She said "You don't know about having to try to cover up a bald spot. I have to mess with my hair and do funny things with it." She laughed- thinking it was funny that she's coming to that age and remembering being in "my" position. Unfortunately, I do know all about covering up bald spots. She can live in good conscience knowing that it's falling out of its own accord. I'm doing this to myself. How stupid can a person be!

Will I ever care enough to stop? It probably sounds like this condition is always eating me alive. Well, it doesn't. Right now, I'm in this odd mood that I wish never existed. It's a mood where I don't actually care. I pull my hair out consciously and don't even flinch at the thought. It's at these times when it seems the most hopeless- like this will never end, because at these times I have given up and simply accepted that I am stuck... I'm stuck. That's exactly how I feel. Like someone has backed me into a corner. Now I'm just sitting in the corner trying to make the best of it. If I have to be trapped, I should try to enjoy it and shouldn't stress about it. That's what they want me to do. I won't give them the satisfaction. I won't grow concerned and try to escape. That's what they want me to do... those people who trapped me in this corner.

But wait, you say. Who are these people? Who wants you to suffer? Who trapped you in this corner? Did you really have nothing to do with this? Did it just happen to you?

You are very perceptive. That's what the flaw is... but even though I know it intellectually- my gut, my inner being, where I am really me and feel all my deepest emotions and convictions... That part of me cannot understand that during these times. I feel trapped... and out of control. It only gets more depressing... When the fact that I am responsible for this- that I set this trap- that no one else had anything to do with this... When that sinks in, it only gets more depressing... Then I feel like I am not in a corner, but a hole- which I dug and left no way of escape.

Now you know. 
These are the true inner thoughts of a "Modern Day Tricha".

Tricha???? O.o

Tricha: (origin: my head) female person who struggles with trichotillomania
Trichotillomania: abnormal desire and compulsion to pull out one's own hair

People joke about being so stressed out or frustrated that they're ripping out their hair. Typically, they do not literally extract hairs from their heads; it's just an expression to them. Unfortunately, this is not the scenario for everyone. Some of us actually do pull out our hair... and when it is labeled as Trichotillomania, it is not just the act of pulling it out. It is a real issue, in particular, resulting in bald spots... sometimes even permanent ones!

Personally, I have been struggling with this mania for two years. As I have shared this burden with close friends, I have also been researching it. Most of the medical research I found stated that this problem, if developed at an older age (meaning older than about 10, which I definitely am), is never really cured or conquered. The maniac (or in my words: the tricho/a) struggles with this abnormal desire for the rest of their life... falling back into it and then landing in spurts of freedom and then right back again. This, not surprisingly, was depressing news... and still is.

BUT one of my friends offered me great hope! He pointed out that I am very quiet about this struggle because I am greatly embarrassed and ashamed. It seems so silly to me and I'm afraid of people looking down on me for actually struggling with it! I look down on me for it! He said if most people are like me when they have trichotillomania... wouldn't it make sense that you wouldn't hear about them conquering it? I have spent quite a bit of time pondering and considering this idea. If I could magically be free, would I bother to tell people it was ever a struggle? Well, I know the answer to that one! No! I'd be so glad to be rid of it! I would be so happy that I was free and no longer have the need for anyone to ever find out about it. It could be my own little secret- tucked away out of sight, hopefully to one day be forgotten.

So I have created this blog now with the confidence that I will be free from this mania one day. I want others like me to be able to read this and be encouraged knowing that someone truly understands their struggle, which seems so odd and so unusual. And ultimately for them to see that someone else has made it through... that the journey is not easy, but it is possible! I believe fully that if I had had some sort of hope a year ago that I would be far along on my road to recovery if not fully recovered already. But one year ago, I had no hope of ever defeating this terrible beast that currently controls me. This just made the issue worse, because I was really upset about it and frustrated and stressed... all things that are guaranteed triggers for my mania to rear its ugly head.

I imagine that my other posts will be immensely different from this one. This is my informative post, just to get you started and help you understand where I'm coming from. I have never blogged before, so we shall see how this works, but I'm pretty excited to see what will happen on this blog! I look forward with great anticipation to reading all these posts and following my path to recovery and freedom. One day, I will lose the title of Tricha, but for now you can follow along and get inside the mind of a "Modern Day Tricha".