My Crack...

Ok... So far, I have raised awareness about Trichotillomania and shared some of the thoughts which lead to the vicious cycle of caring, conquering, relaxing, relapsing, not caring, and depression... which eventually leads back to caring (a healthy and actually beneficial level of concern) again. But where the three dots are- that can be a huge chunk of time. It always feels like forever- no matter how long it is in reality.

In the last post, I was in the "not caring" stage.
I have progressed...
I have a real serious problem, guys. I mean, REAL SERIOUS. I've pulled out huge chunks of hair tonight. It's worse than ever before. I'm even to the point where I am literally fighting myself simply to keep my hands out of my hair. It's killing me! The pull is too great! My head is practically screaming to be rid of certain hairs and my hands are struggling to remain down. They are raising themselves... I have to consciously hold my hands down and keep track of where they are every moment. I am honestly addicted. I am addicted to destroying my head- my image- in the midst of this image-centered culture. Most parents are more concerned about their teens getting addicted to crack or nicotine or something. How many parents ever consider that teens could become addicted to ripping hair out of the their heads?! I doubt any- unless they've experienced it themselves.

I seriously have a huge pile of hair sitting next to me. I just want to cry and shove all my hair back in! :'(
POUT! ...MOAN! ...SIGH...
yet I continue to rip it out!!! I can't stop!
Why is this happening to me? Why can't it be over? Why can't I stop? Why is it so hard? Why can no one seem to be able to help me? Why does it seem like God isn't listening? Why must I feel so alone in this? Why am I the only one? No one understands! No one I know has experienced this before! I'm trapped, addicted, stuck, upset, balding, and worst all (especially as such a social person) ALONE.