It's sad when I realize that I just started this blog thinking "I'm on my way to recovery!" and knowing that I will have hard times where I pick it up again, but mostly going up! I was also sort of assuming that the change would start happening sooner.
sigh Bummer. That's not what is happening... not at all. I feel like I'm at square one again. GRRRR! I'm sick and tired of square one. I keep falling back down here. You know those addicting little games where you're moving along, possibly jumping up onto different steps and platforms and then suddenly your finger slips, you fall off the ledge and land exactly where you were when you started the level. moan That's what this is like, except it has real, lasting consequences in life and it's happening over and over and over and over and... (you guessed it) over again!
Well, the point of this blog was to show reality. This is the reality of my life as a Tricha. It is an endless cycle (hopefully not endless, but it currently is) of pain, frustration, and embarrassment.
Oh, man. It was really bad today... Not so much the hair pulling, though that was there. What I'm referring to is actually something my grandmother said today. We were talking about hair- I have a new hairdo currently. She had not seen it in person since I got it done. I was telling her how I style it and what my hair does naturally and such. Then she made a comment about how she used to have a ton of hair like I do (more like how I used to before trichotillomania took over my life) and now she's got this bald spot. She said "You don't know about having to try to cover up a bald spot. I have to mess with my hair and do funny things with it." She laughed- thinking it was funny that she's coming to that age and remembering being in "my" position. Unfortunately, I do know all about covering up bald spots. She can live in good conscience knowing that it's falling out of its own accord. I'm doing this to myself. How stupid can a person be!
Will I ever care enough to stop? It probably sounds like this condition is always eating me alive. Well, it doesn't. Right now, I'm in this odd mood that I wish never existed. It's a mood where I don't actually care. I pull my hair out consciously and don't even flinch at the thought. It's at these times when it seems the most hopeless- like this will never end, because at these times I have given up and simply accepted that I am stuck... I'm stuck. That's exactly how I feel. Like someone has backed me into a corner. Now I'm just sitting in the corner trying to make the best of it. If I have to be trapped, I should try to enjoy it and shouldn't stress about it. That's what they want me to do. I won't give them the satisfaction. I won't grow concerned and try to escape. That's what they want me to do... those people who trapped me in this corner.
But wait, you say. Who are these people? Who wants you to suffer? Who trapped you in this corner? Did you really have nothing to do with this? Did it just happen to you?
You are very perceptive. That's what the flaw is... but even though I know it intellectually- my gut, my inner being, where I am really me and feel all my deepest emotions and convictions... That part of me cannot understand that during these times. I feel trapped... and out of control. It only gets more depressing... When the fact that I am responsible for this- that I set this trap- that no one else had anything to do with this... When that sinks in, it only gets more depressing... Then I feel like I am not in a corner, but a hole- which I dug and left no way of escape.
Now you know. These are the true inner thoughts of a "Modern Day Tricha".
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