I'm so sorry! :(

Good evening, everyone,

Those of you who know this Tricha (me) well know that she gets in moods where she believes she is a great burden to everyone in the world. Sometimes it even leads to her to feeling disappointed in her friends for having the poor taste to choose to stick around and love her. Many of you have gotten really mad at her for being so ridiculous and stupidly offensive in this state, others decided to give her space and time to come back to normal, and the brave few have tried to reason with her and force her back from this awful state.

Right now I am missing those few immensely! I need a good slap in the face. (If you know this Tricha, you also know that she regularly feels that she needs a slap in the face, so this doesn't really say much.) The above paragraph describes my feelings right now, even though I am desperate for human interaction... so not exactly. I do know that this is just a mood, just a temporary state of mind which I will recover from, but I can't see the end of the tunnel. It just gets darker and darker...

I want to shave off all my hair and am scared that I'm going to do something like this in my sleep or something. It's really bad right now. I haven't been this crazy in a long time, and I'm frightened! Now of course, I have no roommate to walk in and interupt me (or even the fear of her walking in and catching me in the act). Yes, my family is here, but they respect my privacy, my space, and my time to get work done, which is fabulous. Don't get me wrong; I need it sometimes so I actually get something done. My problem is that that is when I rip it all out or am tempted to do stupid things!

In college, I would have called or texted a bunch of friends while feeling like this to see if we could hang out or run to the spot to grab a midnight snack or just study together. That unfortunately is not an option at this stage in my life. College dorm life was perfectly suited for me! I mean it. I constantly had people available to keep me accountable and sane (all hours of day and night!) but also had the ability and opportunity to get work done. I could have a pretty flexible schedule to work around whatever hours I wanted to sleep (or not). (The latter is not necessary of course but nice!)

Thank you for taking the time to read my rant. You're probably pretty worried about me at this point, but please remember that sometimes just writing it out makes things better (not always).  If you have any ideas for me, please share! The saddest part about this rant is that this feeling has been building up for a while; it did not suddenly overtake me today. I do not think it is finished yet either. PRAY and help if you can. Thanks.

-Modern Day Tricha

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Wow. It's been a while. I kept meaning to update the blog, but teaching (you know, my job) got in the way. :P Anyway, I have returned with good news and bad news. First, the good news:

As a teacher, I am extremely busy, not just a busy schedule and lots to do, but my hands remain very active throughout the day. I do not spend much time thinking about things, just constantly moving chairs and stands, distributing and gathering music and pencils, assembling and fixing instruments, conducting, pointing out things, typing, writing, alphabetizing, labeling, sorting, adjusting the temperature based on the size class approaching, and many more descriptive verbs that I can not think of presently. Another nice thing is that I am known around the school for being cold, not only do I wear sweaters but GLOVES! Needlesstosay, pulling has been MUCH better!!! When my hands are active (both of them), I do not pull nearly as much. If I am wearing gloves during the other times, I'm set! This has been fantastic!

Now for the bad news: That was the story before the past week.
Last week multiple things happened:

• I found many mistakes in my posted grades for the first quarter which ended the previous Friday
• There was a day off which consisted of a funeral (and much less for my hands to do)
• Many gray hairs appeared clearly in the part of my hair
• We had parent/teacher conferences Thursday and Friday (STRESSful!)
• There were unfortunate turns of events on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights
• Finally I got mad at myself for falling so hard after such a great period of time in terms of trichotillomania.

I think most of those things are self-explanatory how they affected my pulling, but there is one which I want to elaborate upon: the gray hairs. On Wednesday, I walked in the bathroom and noticed something funny in my hair. I decided to clean the shiny thing out, only to find it was the beginnings of another gray hair... and then another... and another. Thankfully, I did not start inspecting my whole head, but I could not tolerate them in such a visible place as the part. Later in the day, I realized that I was pulling out of fear of discovering more gray hairs. "Oh, no!!! I'll never stop pulling if I keep this up. Gray hairs will not be going away... They will keep growing in," I thought to myself. As I said, I got mad at myself, especially over this reason for pulling, which stupidly enough lead to more pulling. It makes no sense!!!!

  "...this destructive friend... still beckons anda
 pleads with me and I stand at the thresholda
 considering to let it come in again...".

Just two weeks ago, I decided that I would NOT allow Trich to define me. I will not call myself a Tricha, because my identity is in Christ alone who will free me even from this. He will do it on Earth, if I let Him, but at the latest in Heaven in my glorified body! And then this happens which makes me feel even MORE defined by this habit, this addiction, this cycle, this terror, this destructive friend. I don't want to be friends anymore, but Trich will not leave me alone!!!! How do I make Trich get the hint? We're done; we're through. I am moving on! Why is it that the very things which are destroying us, our self-image, our bodies, and our lives seem so comforting in the moment? It's stupid but true, even as I write this and am utterly broken in this state, the temptation is clearly present... and oddly, not completely abhorrent! Even as I reflect on what it has done to me and my relationships with those around me, it still beckons and pleads with me and I stand at the threshold considering to let it come in again right after tossing it out the door!

Basically, I need prayer.
(Sorry for this lame ending to this post but it is all I can come up with for now.)

Deep Connections

Tonight was miraculous!

I love the girls I am working with at camp this week. We have already had some great discussions and connected very quickly. For this I am thankful, but even more I am thankful for the individual, intimate relationships that I am able to develop with these wonderful young women!

This evening one of my girls looked really pensive and upset. I prodded, but did not want to force her to talk. On the other hand, I made it painfully clear that I am willing and available to talk or listen (whatever she needed). After some time passed, she opened up. I discovered that she is a fellow Tricha! This was not exactly something to be excited about, but it is encouraging to find community and someone who can relate... and NOT think you're crazy or simply tell you to "Stop if you don't want to do it!"

Earlier I had shared with my campers that I have this problem and that the Lord is helping me through, and since it's a current struggle, I commissioned them to help me to recognize when I'm doing it. This vulnerability with the campers provided a bridge for my camper to connect to me and feel comfortable to personally open up! The Lord is so amazing in convincing me to share something so personal and difficult with my campers to whom I am trying to be a godly example. Even though I know that demonstrating weakness (while trusting and depending on Him) and being vulnerable first can be the ultimate example, it's so hard to remember that and not think that being an example means convincing others that you are perfect! They know I'm not, so I should have some guts and just admit it.

I am very thankful right now for my own experiences with Trichotillamania, because I am able to pass that on to this Tricha... and help her! YAY!!! The exciting thing is that once she is home next week and pulls up my blog for the first time (yep, I'm giving her the url), she will read this!
((I love you, by the way! ...and am praying for you!))

:-/

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

Well, you may recognize that as a quote from Charles Dicken's Tale of Two Cities, but right now this is how I feel about my own life. When thinking about my social life, generally my walk with the Lord, the blessing of having a job offer, and even how organized I am right now, I am very pleased and excited! Then I ponder my journey with Trich, my thought life, and the unclarity of God's will at this time and I become saddened and realize that my life is far from perfect as I had imagined shortly before.

I want to shave my head clean. I feel like that would be easier to handle. Because of a lot of crazy things I do, I am used to people looking at me like I'm crazy. It's become normal and preferred! It would be easier to have people stare at me than to live in this constant embarrassment, self-conciousness, self-condemnation, imagined external condemnation, and fear of being found out in the act or due to a noticeable bald spot!

I HATE IT!!!!!! I'm done with this! Why can't it just *poof* be gone??? I KNOW He's powerful enough to do it. I do not doubt that AT ALL! Why doesn't He? I know that trials like this help us grow. I know all of those answers, but that is not encouraging when you've struggled for FOUR YEARS with something as STUPID as pulling out your hair which you treasure! How stupid can I be? Why is this so hard? Just STOP! It doesn't make sense to do, and yet I still do... even while writing this I do it! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???????? Lord, I know you don't make junk, but I think a wire got disconnected or a screw became loose in me somewhere! This is ridiculous!


(Long pause to let it all sink in and to dwell in this moment)

Now I'm taking some time to re-read a poem that one of my friends wrote, which I have titled "Mati tis Kyrie" meaning "The Eye of the Lord". Despite this friend's incredible desire to destroy this deep personal expression, I was able to read and appreciate it and even grow from it! At this moment, it is helping me keep the right perspective! I am so grateful to this friend for entrusting her poem to me to protect it from herself and her destructive desires.

I know that this post dramatically changed tone, but I believe it was good for me to show you the change that God caused through my friend's writing. Thank you for reading this today....

Camp Dilemmas

About two weeks ago, I arrived here as a camp counselor. During training, I discovered this bald spot above and behind my left ear. It is a really odd shape, so it actually is larger than this picture shows due to being partially covered by some other hair. Anyway, I was so upset and disappointed by this discovery. It is an awful spot. I have to be extremely careful when I wear my hair down that the front hairs are brushed back. If I put some hair up, I have to ensure that it is pinned back far enough that the part does not land on the bald spot.


Unfortunately, I'm starting to get a similar spot on the opposite side of my head... and camp isn't helping me "be good" this year like it did last summer. I felt so busy that I didn't have time to pull. My hands and mind were constantly occupied. For some reason, I feel a lot more pressure this year and have been pulling a LOT! I don't know what to do about it! I shared my struggle with my girls during devotions yesterday, but since I had the day off today, I have not experienced any accountability from that yet. It also means I had even more opportunity to pull, as I spent a lot of time alone. :( Also because I am an extreme extravert, it is not a good idea for me to spend time alone!

Please pray for me (to stop, to have peace, and to trust the Lord)... and for my campers (to have the courage to tell me to stop, as well as to grow in the Lord themselves)!

Steps Back

Hey everybody,
I had been doing REALLY well with my hair! ...Sometimes I was even able to release a hair from my hand after I picked it out and was prepared to pull it out but before the hair actually detached from my scalp.

Tonight is not like this at all however.
I have a huge pile of hair at my feet and probably a hole on the side of my head. I'm a mess!!! Until now, I hadn't had such a bad time for a few months! Nothing anywhere close to this! After all those steps and lunges forward, I have taken many steps backward. I feel like I am exactly where I was before!

I had begun to TRULY believe that I would be free of Trich- and possibly soon! Never mind that. I'm trapped forever! This cycle will simply continue... with spurts of hope and then ditches of hopelessness! I can't handle any more of this! I'm done, but have no idea what to do about it!!!! This is killing me! I'm crying while I write this because I really can't think of anything that will help.

Yours truly,
Modern Day Tricha

Thanks to Trich

Wow! I've been posting a lot lately! Well, I guess we are getting real good records of this part of my life after having none for so long... Anyway, that is not what this particular post is about.

I really try to find some way that I can be thankful about everything in my life. Of course, I have struggled a lot with that in relation to Trichotillomania. How can I be thankful for it? Does that mean I'm ok with it? Have I simply accepted it and given up on recovery? How can this work? Besides, for what could I honestly be thankful about Trich? I can decided to deal with being grateful for the community and ministry I can have in relating to others and helping them through their struggles, but it wasn't enough. This feeling in my stomach was still there saying that that was just a dismissal, that I still was not finding something to be thankful for.

NOW I have it! ...and I can say it loudly and unhesitatingly and unashamedly!
I am thankful for having Trichotillomania and all the struggles that accompany it, because it provides a depth to my character and my being, that prevents me from simply being a shallow, silly person who becomes annoying in a short span of time.

Whew! There it is... It's a recent discovery and I know some of you might argue with the sentence, saying it isn't the only thing keeping me from being annoying or whatever, but you get the idea. I carefully worded that sentence, but it definitely still has flaws, however I hope you get the point. Unlike previously, I now have a true appreciation for the existence of Trich in my life and will help me not mentally beat myself up over having this issue.
Ok, now you can go back to your life and struggle with finding reasons to be thankful for your problems! :)

What to do, what to do

I have been trying to figure out what to do with my hair...

Do I cut it and even it all up again? Do I let it continue to grow? How will either decision affect my pulling? I've been doing well and would hate to make things worse, but I do not want to leave it and be tempted to pull because of the unevenness... Eventually, I would like to grow my hair out more and how will I ever do that if I'm always cutting it? Will I ever have longer hair again? Can I? Is it possible now that I have Trich?

Unfortunately, worrying about and considering all these questions has led me to pull more than I have been in quite a while. To be fair, I think being sick and being frustrated about being sick is also affecting Trich right now.

UGH! But this is proving the point! I don't want to keep cutting my hair shorter and shorter. I like having hair! I miss all the things I could do with it when it was long... At this point though, I'm more concerned that my hair will get increasingly shorter with each haircut because of how much the stylist has to cut off to even up the ends.

Thankfully, my roommate pointed out that when I leave it curly the unevenness is much less noticeable. This also requires less maintenance! Anyway, I just really am torn about what to do! Do I get a small trim to help even it out, but not too much so it's not super short? Do I leave it and let the curliness hide it and hope that I don't pull? What do you all think? Please let me know!!!

Understanding myself

Last night I was given yet another opportunity to reveal that I have Trich... and to attempt to explain to this person I care about what it is and why it happens. Good news! I was able to talk about it in a much more coherent way thanks to having this blog! This was an exciting realization. I was stressing as much over words or just saying "I have no idea, but I hate it!" I didn't have to deal with the dreaded remarks: "Just stop!" "It's your own fault" or "Why can't you stop?"

Thank you all for reading my blog and giving me someone to share my thoughts with. I could not have gotten as far as I have without your support and encouragement along the way!

I know this is a short post, but I don't have much to update you on. Simply, I wanted you all to know that blogging is helping. If my friend who gave me the idea to blog is still reading, THANK YOU! :) You were right.

Long Time...

I know, I know... It's been forever since I've posted anything! I don't remember why I stopped posting last spring, but I had intentions to post over the summer while I was being a camp counselor. Before I left for the camp, I really feared how I would handle the new situation and *no one* knowing about my condition.

Would it make it worse? Could this make it easier? What will they think of me when/if they notice? How can I be an example to these girls if they find out about it?

When I arrived, things were not what I expected at all... I was busy (not that I thought I'd be bored or anything) which meant that my hands were busy doing other things, not pulling. I also had some great accountability from the very girls I was leading. I love them so much! The Lord really used them to minister to me and I still pray that I was able to touch their lives even the tiniest percentage of how much they touched and impacted mine!

Anyway, now I am in a new phase of life again:

• A great friend who was so very helpful with Trich is no longer a part of my life.
• Another will be far, far away soon...
  
• I'm no longer taking classes, but teaching classes!
• My schedule has vastly changed, giving me less time simply sitting but also making it harder to be with friends and get that accountability.
• Things are hard at church...
• I lost my grandfather last spring (maybe that's why I stopped posting actually).
• Things have been hard for my family ever since.
• I had some difficulties and misunderstandings with one of my close friends.
  

Due to these things, I have had plenty of really bad times and some that are much better.

Currently, I am doing ok. Not my best, but the Lord is helping me through. Teaching is helping, because I'm always concerned about my image to the students and my mentor who is guiding me as I learn to teach. It's also helping because we're super busy and usually playing an instrument.

Thank you all so much for your prayers! Hopefully I will post more regularly now so that God can use my struggles to minister to you. That's all for now about the life of a Modern Day Tricha...