whydoipull.com

I was on facebook and had a message in my inbox with a link to a website. The site was full of testimonials of Christians who got over Trichotillomania! This was the best encouragement I have gotten yet. They REALLY understand my struggle, because doubting God is part of the cycle. One thing in particular I found interesting- the following list... It will give you a deep look into what happens in the mind of a Modern Day Tricha.

Do not give in to the temptation to “just touch,” or “pull just one.” One leads to two, two leads to five and then it becomes difficult to stop.
YOU CAN sit through the feelings that accompany not pulling. If we hold in tears, we will turn to our hair. You and I MUST cry when we need to.
Feelings lie- they will tell you that the only way to get rid of your feelings is to pull some hair. They scream, “these feelings are permanent! The only way out is to pull!”
The only way to quit feeling something is to feel it. “Don’t just do something-stand there!”
How does one feel their feelings? Sit down and be very still. Breathe. You will know when the feeling is done being felt. Welcome your feelings!
Feelings are always changing, they never stay the same. “This too shall pass.”
The relief that comes from pulling is fleeting. Feelings of shame, helplessness, and depression always follow a pulling episode.
And pulling never changes the situation that often brought us to pulling.
Do not give permission to your hands to rise above your shoulders.
It is a choice to pull. Nobody forces your hand.
The more you say no, the easier it gets.
“One hair is too much, a thousand is never enough.”~Taken from an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. The word drink is substituted for hair.

I'm realizing (again and more internally) that there is some underlying reason for the pulling. Something is obviously leading to the pulling. Pulling my hair out is a coping mechanism that I have learned- it's there to cope with something! I just don't know what. I need to find out what it is. I also want to know how I should deal with this. If anyone of you have ideas of how I can properly deal with issues, thoughts, emotions, please tell me!!!!! Thanks. Pulling hair is what my body thinks is the only way to get rid of the problem/ pain- literally pulling it out of the body through the head!

Roller Coaster

... It sounds just like the title implies ...

This week has been quite the roller coaster- up and down with lots of variety. Some big ups and some big downs and then smaller ones in between. I'm just getting exhausted... run down- always keeping my guard up- constantly being aware of what my hands are doing- trying to keep them active positively.

The times when it's easiest are when I'm playing music (not on the radio, but on an instrument) and when I'm with my close friends. When I'm playing my hands are active and my brain is fully engaged. In the breaks- like marking my music and switching songs and stuff- I have problems, but when I am in the act of playing, it's not an issue. Around my friends, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed to pull. It helps that he's a fidgety person. I feel more at ease to fidget with things, so I don't pull!

Anyway, I've been hanging out a lot with him (one particular friend) this week, which has been great for numerous reasons. But the rest of the time is not necessarily so good. That's really where the roller coasters happen. I don't even understand it... I wish I could tell you more about it, but I'm so confused by this whole thing. I'll post later this week with a Thanksgiving theme...

Hours? not so much

Well, as you may be able to tell from the title of this post, I'm not lasting a whole bunch of hours lately. It's actually pretty interesting how the pulling has been going. It's more like: I've been pulling less in general, but all the time. The pulling is very spread out and it's only one or two when it happens. So looking at a full day, I pull less than 10 hairs. That's really good! I just can't count hours like that.

It's not like I started thinking about Trich any differently... or am trying a new approach to conquering it. It just sorta happened. One thing nice about it is that I'm not going through bouts of really BAD pulling. It's all good- but happening throughout the day.

One more thing that I want to tell you guys about... I've been wearing my gloves a lot more recently. It's so helpful!!! especially with the state of pulling I've been in... It's not a sudden, huge urge to pull, so when the gloves are on, the struggle pretty much goes away and no tension is building up. When I remove the gloves to do something which requires said removal, I do not get a sudden urge to pull a bunch. I just continue how I was. By the way, if you see me wearing gloves, just realize that it is for prevention. It does not mean that I have been having trouble and bad hair days lately. Just means I'm taking it seriously and protecting my head and hair.

Reflection

This past week was really challenging. I talked to a good group of girls about my Trich. They suggested that I sit down and analyze when I pull and when I can go without, if there are any possible triggers, etc... So I did!
I realized that at the end of my day with the heaviest workload is when my "good hair days," especially when I lasted for 48 and 58 hours, started! So I looked into that: what can I do on that stressful day? What makes me end the good days?

This past week, when I got to the end of that stressful day, I couldn't stop pulling. The next day, which for the prior two weeks had been Trich-free, was a mess as well. I simply could not stop. This frustrated me SO much!!! 

Then I had an exciting weekend. Lots of fun times with friends! This helped me to relax and not to stress so much about my hair. So starting yesterday evening, I was FREE again! I last 30 hours!!!! What's really interesting about this was my initial response to the situation, when I pulled again.
Check out the text conversation I had immediately following:

"30 hours! I was Finally was able to keep from pulling my hair- for a prolonged period. All last week was really bad. I couldn't even last an hour."

"Good for you! It's so good to see how 30 hours isn't considered as big an accomplishment as it used to be. I think that means you're getting over it!"

":) That's a good point! Thanks for pointing that out. I needed that check in perspective!"

It is because of this conversation that I am actually excited about the 30 hours!! I had truly lost sight of the fact that 30 is a pretty big number! I was focusing again on records.

"I didn't beat my record. I didn't even make 48 again. Come on. What's up with me? Well, at least it's better than last week. Maybe there is some hope for me. But I'm still not back to where I was. And why did it take me so long to get back to a prolonged period again? Why couldn't I do that this week?"

This was a dangerous train of thought to be following. Thankfully, I have amazing friends who keep me in perspective. I went over a full day without Trich- especially after more than a week of BONDAGE! That's an accomplishment! I AM making progress! I must be thankful for the small achievements and the small steps to get to the bigger ones and to the record-breaking stretches of time!

By the way, the gloves REALLY helped in these 30 hours! It's getting cold and totally acceptable to wear gloves! :D

*Life is Trich-y*

FIFTY EIGHT

All these numbers.... all these records...

So much excitement! This is ridiculous! God is really blessing me as I turn it over to Him and as I let it go- by being more open about it and less hard on myself.
I'm more open with those who already know. I'm open to informing people of it at all. I'm not so ashamed when I pull. I move on and start the clock over- start from that moment NOT being a Tricha again.

Now I even passed my previous record. I passed the seemingly impossible barrier of 48 hours. This afternoon I ended 58 hours of freedom! It's so amazing that I am at a place in my life where I can focus on the length of time, rather than the fact that I pulled a hair at the end of that! It is truly remarkable! The Lord is freeing me and He's using all of YOU to do it!!!! Thank you SO much! I love you all dearly and thank the Lord for you constantly! I'd be in such a mess if it weren't for the amazing, caring, sensitive, encouraging friends and family that I have been blessed with.

With all the recent goals being met and records being broken, I am confident that I WILL be free from Trichatillamania. And that it won't take YEARS to get there either. I am confident that it is no longer a question of IF... only a matter of WHEN. This debate, this struggle in my mind over if versus when... is OVER... really! Forever! (at least that's what I say now...) This has strengthened my faith in God and His faithfulness to keep His promises and to have the best in mind for His children!

He will not let this rule my life- will not let me be trapped forever, feeling paralyzed and useless for Him- will not let me sit in this depressed state for a lifetime. He will rescue me- will give me the strength, the endurance, the courage, the faith, and the willpower- will protect me- will provide a way of escape- will comfort me and encourage, through His Word or His people... or even the history of His faithfulness in my own life. Not only WILL He do these things, but He IS doing them. He is the Great I AM! ... and He is My ALL! I cannot do anything without Him! Thank You, Jesus! You are freeing me from these chains which weigh me down from being all I can be for You!

YAY!!!!!! (and analysis)

I'm SO excited!!! I cannot calm down! This is the greatest thing to happen to me since I got Trichatillamania!!!!! This is the one thing I have wanted to happen for SO LONG!!!!! Finally happened!!!!! AH!!!!!! I have never been so happy to have a "bad hair day" (meaning a day where I pull a lot)!!!!  The Lord used something that I always get upset about- embarrassed about and feel ashamed about- to give me great joy and grant me my largest, most important request!!! Something that could be CRITICAL in setting me free from the bonds of my addiction!

I found ANOTHER TRICHA!!!!!! I am so giddy and happy and cannot stop moving!!! I am overflowing with joy and excitement!!!! We swapped phone numbers and I sent her a link to this blog... We see each other at least once a week already. We're going to be partners in tackling this monster! We now have a such a deep connection! SO FEW people understand our struggle!!! But she understands me and I understand her!!! More than my other friends could ever understand by talking to me or even reading this blog, where I am very open, honest, and real about what's happening in my head and how I feel...
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I was planning on posting tonight anyways- today was not a real good day... I tried a new technique in one of my classes. Everytime I pulled out a hair, I wrote down the time. ...like this:

 1445-58-1503-05-10-23-24-27-32-36-37-41-43

The class is one hour and 15 minutes long (1430-1545)... and I pulled THAT MANY times. Another note: I only wrote down any one minute once. Some of those were multiple hairs. Notice the fluctuation. I'd be going for a while (i.e. 1510-1523) and then I'd pull out in close intervals right after that. This is pretty common. I did this to try to evaluate how this actually goes. I wasn't sure if the pattern was really like that... or if I was imagining that progression. As I wrote down times, I tried not to analyze how often I was pulling, but just make note and continue to try not to pull- regardless of the number of hairs I had pulled or the frequency. I was just focused on "Don't pull now!" Then if I did pull, "Ok, what time is it? 1510. Ok." Then back to "Don't pull now!" There was no condemnation or analyzation during the process. It was pure research. I just wanted to share this information with all of you.

Anyway, I'm still SO EXCITED!!!!
:D  ^_^ XD

more about addictions

Well, I am doing better than last time I wrote to you. BUT not as well as the time before that...
Yesterday, I made it 13 waking hours without pulling, which was a good accomplishment. Unfortunately, since this is an addiction, "just one" is not possible. I have, in the past couple days, been able to resist pulling even when my hand is holding a single hair and ready to pull it out. That is REALLY difficult- to just let go and put my hand down. It's easier to just let it "accidentally" become detached from my head.
Back to the "just one" idea, I'm sure you've heard about drug addicts and alcoholics who crave just one. That they think that if they have just one, they can easily go back to cold turkey again. Just having one drink or puffing one time will help them be able to stand going without longer. You also may know that that does NOT work. Well, when I pull one hair, it's the same thing. I fall back into the addiction again. My body is reminded of the addiction and craves it even more than before I pulled. I also think, "How could just one more hair affect anything?" But that thought process adds up and results eventually in a bald spot and lots of tears.
That's where I am right now. Stuck in between freedom and bondage... it's a draw right now, with short victories for both sides. I need prayer, regular reminders of support, constant encouragement and accountability. This is really tough. It really, really is. The only consolation I have right now is the fact that I have at least recognized that this is actually an addiction, not just a habit.

:'( OUCH!

MOAN...

This is how it goes.

Unfortunately, I did not break the pattern this time.

The pattern (as I've told you before) is that I will be doing REALLY well and instantly I fall really hard back into trichotillomania. I take pride in my achievement and I guess I get comfortable and drop my guard too much. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it always does. Never fails... sadly. 

Here is what I have done in about 10 minutes:

You can't even see it as well in this picture as I can in person.

In addition to the usual problem of relapsing, I had some extra stress added to my life shortly after my 48 hour accomplishment. Currently, I am having some issues with roommates- more accurately, they have some issues with me. I didn't know anything was wrong until the past few days, but evidently these problems have existed for quite a while. As you can imagine, this is quite upsetting. And guess where I turned...

I cannot explain to you how upset I am right now. I'm upset about these circumstances I am finding myself in! I don't understand what's happening! I'm a wreck over this!

I'm upset at myself for relapsing after such a great feat! I was doing so well! 

How could I? How am I ever going to get back on track again? Will I ever be free? Will I ever be able to break out of this trend, this cycle? Can I just be normal, with normal problems for once???? PLEASE! I'm sick and tired of this! Why can't I break free? Why am I still struggling with this? I've fallen so far! This really hurts! And right now even pulling out my hair hurts (physically and emotionally)! Nothing is helping! I want out! Get me OUT of here! I'm stuck!

WHY? 

HOW? 

WHEN? 

WILL it happen? 

CAN I? 

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!! SOS! SOS! SOS! SOS!

MOAN... :'(

What's the deal with 48? ^o^

The last post had to do with a number... 4 in fact.
The significance was the number of hairs pulled in a day.
This time the number has a very different significance. This number 48 has been bothering me ever since I realized that I had trich- and that it must be conquered!

So what is 48 about anyway?! What's the big deal?
For me, being able to go from meal to meal without pulling out any hairs is pretty significant and quite a feat. A full day is (of course) even harder. Consequently, 36 hours is a tremendous accomplishment. Until October 6th, 2010 (two days ago), I had only gotten to the 36 hour milestone twice. Both times, I pushed myself to go for 48 hours. To be able to go for a full two days (and that includes sleeping time) was a HUGE milestone. I always felt like if I could manage that, there was hope that I could conquer this! I always failed. The pressure that I put on myself was so intense. I did not allow myself to enjoy the victory of 36 hours. I required so much more.

BUT on October 6, 2010, at 1722, I completed 48 hours! I was not ashamed of myself for pulling out that hair at that moment (and even now, I am not ashamed!). I was so excited that I had made it to the BIG 48! I had not even been pushing myself to make it to 48 hours. I had simply been focused on short periods of time, like hours and the periods between meals. As I thought back, I realized that it added up.... to my long-desired, seemingly impossible goal! The best part is: most of that time I wasn't even consciously fighting trich. I was starting to forget about it! I was truly starting to conquer it!!!!

If it wasn't for the support of my numerous friends, I would not have progressed to this healthy stage. You guys are the best friends I could ask for! You all are my life-savers! I thank God for each and every one of you daily and at every thought of you!!!!

FOUR

4... Four... For... Phor?

This has been my favorite number for ages, but today it has special significance.  

Why is that?!

Well... today was a great day for my scalp! Only four hairs were lost in the battle! YAY! This is such an improvement!

Although this is great news, you don't know the most exciting part yet! It wasn't even so much of a struggle today!!!! The urge was so minor and most of the day, trich was not even on my mind. Today even had a significant amount of stress, but trich was not present as a coping mechanism. It was so great! AH!!!
^_^

Awareness Week!

October 1-7th, 2010 is Trichotillomania Awareness Week!
That starts tomorrow!!!!!
I do not know what all I will do during this week, but I will be raising awareness! I'd love to have help from you. I'll keep you all posted on this blog as to my plans... if any ever actually develop.

First, I am printing out some of these brochures... It's really good!
http://trich.org/dnld/About_TTM_08.pdf

This page (below) is really good and I have now posted it in my room. Hopefully this list will help me.
The line that really got me was the one where I'm supposed to say "every hair belongs on my head." That's a big deal for me right now! That's the exact opposite of the thinking I have when I pull!
http://trich.org/treatment/50WaystoStopl.html

5 HOURS?!?

Guess what? Last night was an amazing night! Two wonderful friends of mine talked to me about my trich.
One stopped me after Bible study and asked me how I was doing. I talked to her for quite a while and started thinking about all kinds of new things that had never occurred to me. She was so amazingly helpful!
Then I talked to another friend of mine who was mostly comforting me about it. At the time that was something I really needed. I am so thankful to have friends like them!!!! I don't know what I would do without them!

Well, the most amazing part was while I was talking to them I did not pull at all. The urge came- don't misunderstand that! But I did not give in to it. A few times I had to scratch my head because the urge was really bothering me, but I lasted 5 hours!

(All realizations and new ideas here come from the conversations with my fabulous friends)
I realized that I need to deal with this in small chunks of time. Because this is an addiction, I need to think about it like an addiction. I need to deal with it like an addiction. So now I am taking this one hour at a time. Each meal the count resets. As the count gets really high, I feel a lot of pressure to continue and that I am a big failure if I can't continue. It's like: "I made it 36 hours. What's wrong with you? If you can make it 36, why can't you last 37 hours?!" The bigger the numbers get the more demanding I become on myself. So last night, before bed I lasted 5 hours! Now the clock is reset til I eat lunch and guess what! It's been an hour! :D

community

So, I really want to find other Trichas and Trichos on my campus. I had decided to host an event next Monday. I created an ad for the school site to let Trichsters know to come and when and where- plus to raise awareness. Unfortunately, my college has a policy where you can't post an ad unless it is sponsored by a department or student organization.

There are two problems here:

1. I cannot get the courage up to ask any of the orgs I am in to sponsor the event. It seems scarier to approach people I know and tell them about this struggle than to host an event where I'll tell a bunch of people about the mania. Seems really odd when I step back, but that's how I feel. So that option is out right now.
2. I looked into the process of creating a student org. Unfortunately, I missed the deadline for the paperwork, so I can't create a group til the Spring Semester, which is February. That sorta defeats the point. I need community NOW not to start the process a few MONTHS from now.

:/ sigh  If you have any ideas, please post them below. I don't care how long ago this was posted... If you have an idea, I'd love to hear it, consider it, and hopefully try it out! Thanks, guys! I really want to band together to put Trich behind us and get it out of our hair! ;)

:update:

I'm just posting a quick little update for you guys.
I haven't been wearing gloves much. Unfortunately, the weather is not fitting for gloves. :( I try to wear them when I'm around people who know about my TTM, but otherwise I haven't worn gloves. Thankfully, although the pulling is happening, it hasn't been too bad.
Thanks for checking up on me.

Are you cold?

The last post probably made you all think that I'm doing really well right now. Or at least that I'm feeling better about things- thinking more positively and all that.
Well, that's not exactly accurate. One of my friends noticed yesterday at church that something was definitely up with me. I told him that I was having great difficulty with trich. Basically yesterday morning, I took about a half hour doing my hair. Not that I was trying to do something elaborate. I was just trying to do something simple that would guarantee that my bald spots are covered. I ended up with a bow right on the crown of my head. It was impossible to arrange my hair to have it cover it. I had to resort to a bow covering the large spot that's right there.

This put me in a terrible mood for church...

A friend of mine (right now I don't remember which one- probably one I've already mentioned) gave me the idea to wear gloves. Because I was so traumatized by not being able to hide my spots, I decided to give it a try. Luckily yesterday it was a little cold and my church also is always so cold. Most people didn't think much of it; they just figured that I was keeping my hands warm (especially since I'm a musician).

Although the gloves worked yesterday, I haven't worn them much today because it's not cold outside. I just don't think people would buy that excuse today, which is disappointing. The gloves really worked!!!! It was pretty exciting to realize that. It's a good thing winter is coming! These coming months of cold weather will help my scalp so much! I'm so excited!!!!! :D Hopefully with so much time not pulling I will be able to go into the spring gloveless and freed from trich! That would be amazing!!!!

"Lord, thank You so much for giving me such amazing friends! I know that without them I would have no chance of getting over this. Thank You for bringing them into my life and giving me the courage to tell them. Their support is essential and helps me get through the rough times- especially when I am really struggling with trichotillomania! I'm looking forward to sharing my story of victory with other trichsters in the future! Thank You for the glimmers of hope that You have given me when I needed it most! If it wasn't for You loving and caring for me, I'd be in so much trouble and have no hope and no way of escape! I love You! but I realize that I only am able to love You because You love me first! Lord, You're AWEsome! Truly! In Your precious Son's name I pray, Amen."

Reaching Out

This week I told numerous of my friends about this blog and one of them suggested that I try to find if someone else had this same idea... maybe that person could encourage me just like I want to encourage other trichsters. (That title I found during this search. I found quite a few creative trichotillomania puns :) which I look forward to using!)

So I started the search last night. Boy, was it exciting! I've made so many connections already! This is not to say that I'm cured and everything is hunky-dory. Quite the contrary actually. I was pulling the entire time I was reading about it, but I was encouraged and revived. I'M NOT ALONE! I knew that I wasn't but I'm truly experiencing that now! It's so refreshing! I can't explain to all of you how refreshing this truly is. I just can't explain it.

I read about some people being free from this "trichy" mess for up to six weeks! That's incredible and unfathomable to me! Also so exciting!!!! It's possible!!!! YAY!!!

My Crack...

Ok... So far, I have raised awareness about Trichotillomania and shared some of the thoughts which lead to the vicious cycle of caring, conquering, relaxing, relapsing, not caring, and depression... which eventually leads back to caring (a healthy and actually beneficial level of concern) again. But where the three dots are- that can be a huge chunk of time. It always feels like forever- no matter how long it is in reality.

In the last post, I was in the "not caring" stage.
I have progressed...
I have a real serious problem, guys. I mean, REAL SERIOUS. I've pulled out huge chunks of hair tonight. It's worse than ever before. I'm even to the point where I am literally fighting myself simply to keep my hands out of my hair. It's killing me! The pull is too great! My head is practically screaming to be rid of certain hairs and my hands are struggling to remain down. They are raising themselves... I have to consciously hold my hands down and keep track of where they are every moment. I am honestly addicted. I am addicted to destroying my head- my image- in the midst of this image-centered culture. Most parents are more concerned about their teens getting addicted to crack or nicotine or something. How many parents ever consider that teens could become addicted to ripping hair out of the their heads?! I doubt any- unless they've experienced it themselves.

I seriously have a huge pile of hair sitting next to me. I just want to cry and shove all my hair back in! :'(
POUT! ...MOAN! ...SIGH...
yet I continue to rip it out!!! I can't stop!
Why is this happening to me? Why can't it be over? Why can't I stop? Why is it so hard? Why can no one seem to be able to help me? Why does it seem like God isn't listening? Why must I feel so alone in this? Why am I the only one? No one understands! No one I know has experienced this before! I'm trapped, addicted, stuck, upset, balding, and worst all (especially as such a social person) ALONE.

Nothing Left

sigh So this is pretty sad...

It's sad when I realize that I just started this blog thinking "I'm on my way to recovery!" and knowing that I will have hard times where I pick it up again, but mostly going up! I was also sort of assuming that the change would start happening sooner.
sigh Bummer. That's not what is happening... not at all. I feel like I'm at square one again. GRRRR! I'm sick and tired of square one. I keep falling back down here. You know those addicting little games where you're moving along, possibly jumping up onto different steps and platforms and then suddenly your finger slips, you fall off the ledge and land exactly where you were when you started the level. moan That's what this is like, except it has real, lasting consequences in life and it's happening over and over and over and over and... (you guessed it) over again!

Well, the point of this blog was to show reality. This is the reality of my life as a Tricha. It is an endless cycle (hopefully not endless, but it currently is) of pain, frustration, and embarrassment.

Oh, man. It was really bad today... Not so much the hair pulling, though that was there. What I'm referring to is actually something my grandmother said today. We were talking about hair- I have a new hairdo currently. She had not seen it in person since I got it done. I was telling her how I style it and what my hair does naturally and such. Then she made a comment about how she used to have a ton of hair like I do (more like how I used to before trichotillomania took over my life) and now she's got this bald spot. She said "You don't know about having to try to cover up a bald spot. I have to mess with my hair and do funny things with it." She laughed- thinking it was funny that she's coming to that age and remembering being in "my" position. Unfortunately, I do know all about covering up bald spots. She can live in good conscience knowing that it's falling out of its own accord. I'm doing this to myself. How stupid can a person be!

Will I ever care enough to stop? It probably sounds like this condition is always eating me alive. Well, it doesn't. Right now, I'm in this odd mood that I wish never existed. It's a mood where I don't actually care. I pull my hair out consciously and don't even flinch at the thought. It's at these times when it seems the most hopeless- like this will never end, because at these times I have given up and simply accepted that I am stuck... I'm stuck. That's exactly how I feel. Like someone has backed me into a corner. Now I'm just sitting in the corner trying to make the best of it. If I have to be trapped, I should try to enjoy it and shouldn't stress about it. That's what they want me to do. I won't give them the satisfaction. I won't grow concerned and try to escape. That's what they want me to do... those people who trapped me in this corner.

But wait, you say. Who are these people? Who wants you to suffer? Who trapped you in this corner? Did you really have nothing to do with this? Did it just happen to you?

You are very perceptive. That's what the flaw is... but even though I know it intellectually- my gut, my inner being, where I am really me and feel all my deepest emotions and convictions... That part of me cannot understand that during these times. I feel trapped... and out of control. It only gets more depressing... When the fact that I am responsible for this- that I set this trap- that no one else had anything to do with this... When that sinks in, it only gets more depressing... Then I feel like I am not in a corner, but a hole- which I dug and left no way of escape.

Now you know. 
These are the true inner thoughts of a "Modern Day Tricha".

Tricha???? O.o

Tricha: (origin: my head) female person who struggles with trichotillomania
Trichotillomania: abnormal desire and compulsion to pull out one's own hair

People joke about being so stressed out or frustrated that they're ripping out their hair. Typically, they do not literally extract hairs from their heads; it's just an expression to them. Unfortunately, this is not the scenario for everyone. Some of us actually do pull out our hair... and when it is labeled as Trichotillomania, it is not just the act of pulling it out. It is a real issue, in particular, resulting in bald spots... sometimes even permanent ones!

Personally, I have been struggling with this mania for two years. As I have shared this burden with close friends, I have also been researching it. Most of the medical research I found stated that this problem, if developed at an older age (meaning older than about 10, which I definitely am), is never really cured or conquered. The maniac (or in my words: the tricho/a) struggles with this abnormal desire for the rest of their life... falling back into it and then landing in spurts of freedom and then right back again. This, not surprisingly, was depressing news... and still is.

BUT one of my friends offered me great hope! He pointed out that I am very quiet about this struggle because I am greatly embarrassed and ashamed. It seems so silly to me and I'm afraid of people looking down on me for actually struggling with it! I look down on me for it! He said if most people are like me when they have trichotillomania... wouldn't it make sense that you wouldn't hear about them conquering it? I have spent quite a bit of time pondering and considering this idea. If I could magically be free, would I bother to tell people it was ever a struggle? Well, I know the answer to that one! No! I'd be so glad to be rid of it! I would be so happy that I was free and no longer have the need for anyone to ever find out about it. It could be my own little secret- tucked away out of sight, hopefully to one day be forgotten.

So I have created this blog now with the confidence that I will be free from this mania one day. I want others like me to be able to read this and be encouraged knowing that someone truly understands their struggle, which seems so odd and so unusual. And ultimately for them to see that someone else has made it through... that the journey is not easy, but it is possible! I believe fully that if I had had some sort of hope a year ago that I would be far along on my road to recovery if not fully recovered already. But one year ago, I had no hope of ever defeating this terrible beast that currently controls me. This just made the issue worse, because I was really upset about it and frustrated and stressed... all things that are guaranteed triggers for my mania to rear its ugly head.

I imagine that my other posts will be immensely different from this one. This is my informative post, just to get you started and help you understand where I'm coming from. I have never blogged before, so we shall see how this works, but I'm pretty excited to see what will happen on this blog! I look forward with great anticipation to reading all these posts and following my path to recovery and freedom. One day, I will lose the title of Tricha, but for now you can follow along and get inside the mind of a "Modern Day Tricha".